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Jokes

Community for : 4.2 years

All the jokes fit to print.

Owner: Centaurus

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8
My Father Has The Heart Of A Lion...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+8/-0)
3 comments last comment...
...and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
5
What's Green, Covered In Tinsel and Lights Goes, "Ribbit"?     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+5/-0)
1 comments last comment...

a mistle toad.
17
I went to the doctor because muh dick wasn't feeling well     (Jokes)
submitted by Centaurus to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+17/-0)
9 comments last comment...
He said I have schlong covid.

14
There's a guy I see every day at work and he's constantly yelling at me and always telling me what to do. Well I finally had enough of it and stood up to the bully today     (Jokes)
submitted by Centaurus to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+15/-1)
6 comments last comment...
He fired me.


26
Did You Hear About The Mathematician Who’s Afraid Of Negative Numbers?     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+26/-0)
4 comments last comment...

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
14
Anne Frankly     (Jokes)
submitted by GrayDragon to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+14/-0)
5 comments last comment...
Knock, knock.
jews there?
Gestapo.
Gestapo who?
Gestopo you from writing more pages.

(Joke was just made up in chat compliments to the brain trust power of @Master_Foo, @Uncle_Doug, @shitface9000, and myself.)
26
I Poured Root Beer Into A Square Glass...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+26/-0)
10 comments last comment...
...and now I just have beer.
11
Why Don’t Calculus Majors Throw House Parties?     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+11/-0)
6 comments last comment...

Because you should never drink and derive.
15
Why Did The Chicken Go To The Séance?     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+15/-0)
5 comments last comment...
To make contact with the other side.
14
@BulletStopper was given a tour of a local farm, when suddenly he stopped and asked the farmer a question     (Jokes)
submitted by Centaurus to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+15/-1)
4 comments last comment...
"Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

5
What's The Best Thing About Switzerland?     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+5/-0)
5 comments last comment...
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
26
One time at a bar a girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow     (Jokes)
submitted by Centaurus to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+28/-2)
23 comments last comment...
Later on I found out she meant trout, not Skittles.
24
NSA Guy Walks Into A Bar...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+24/-0)
8 comments last comment...
“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!”, the bartender says.

NSA guy smiles and says, “Heard it.”
16
Sergei Is Sent To Gulag...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+16/-0)
7 comments last comment...
...and one of the conditions of his imprisonment is that he can only say two words every ten years, on pain of execution.

After the first ten painful years, the guard comes in and asks him, "What two words?"

Sergei thinks about it, looks down at his frost-bitten toes and fingers and says, "Too cold."

The guard leaves and comes back with a winter coat, wool hat, mittens, socks and boots.


Ten more years go by, and the guard returns. "What two words?", he asked.

Sergei thought and looked down at his pinched shrunken tummy and said, "More food."

The guard leaves and schedules him to receive double his normal rations one day per week.


Ten more years go by. The guard comes in and asks, "What two words?"

Sergei looks down at his long white beard from all of his years in the gulag, and says, "I'm leaving!"

The guards says, "That's not surprising. Since you arrived here, you've done nothing but complain."
26
Magician and Parrot     (Jokes)
submitted by Kozel to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+27/-1)
5 comments last comment...
A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
11
better not drive     (files.catbox.moe)
submitted by con77 to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+12/-1)
2 comments last comment...
21
Did You Know...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+21/-0)
7 comments last comment...
...that the guy who invented the Ferris Wheel never net the guy who invented the Merry-Go-Round?


They just always seemed to be traveling in different circles.
25
Some Texans Were At The Bar...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+26/-1)
16 comments last comment...
...when a Harvard graduate walked in.

"Howdy, stranger," said one Texan. "Where are you from?"

The Harvard graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions."

"Well, excuse me.", replies the Texan. "What I meant to ask was, where are you from, jackass?"
9
A Lizard Walks Into A Bar...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+9/-0)
4 comments last comment...
...pushing a stroller.

"What's your kid's name?", asks the bartender.

"Tiny", said the lizard. "Because he's my newt."
11
An SEO Expert Walks Into A Bar...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+11/-0)
1 comments last comment...
... bars, pub, tavern, saloon, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol
11
"Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+11/-0)
11 comments last comment...
He was poultry in motion.
18
Descartes Walked Into A Bar And Ordered A Beer.     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+18/-0)
15 comments last comment...
After he'd finished it, the bartender asked, “Would you like another?”

“I think not”, Descartes replied.

And disappeared.
11
A Mushroom Walks Into A Bar...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+12/-1)
7 comments last comment...
...and orders a drink. But the bartender just yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place.

The mushroom looked hurt and said, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
20
What Do You Call A Fish With No Eyes?     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+20/-0)
7 comments last comment...
A "fsh".
7
The Past, Present and Future Walk Into A Bar...     (Jokes)
submitted by BulletStopper to Jokes 1.4 years ago (+7/-0)
9 comments last comment...
It was tense.