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I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me.

And last but not least, I would like to thank my fingers -- because I can always count on them.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are and he says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad, the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked Mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him, "Pussy and bitch."

Dad says, "Okay." He then pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, Dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

A four-chin teller.

The plot thickens.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world."

The politician thinks for a moment and then asks, “What's the catch?"

It was addressed 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that is one of my dreams now, too.

Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Tom

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that is in my desk, center drawer. I love you! Call me when it's safe to come home.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented rabbi.

"No," says one of the nurses, "we're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Time to get joggin’ ladies!

Once you heard Juan you've heard Jamal!