As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged.
Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares.
Finally, on the photographers twelfth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father' 'Who's the gal you were with?' 'I won't tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Was it Jane marlow?' 'I can't say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for a month.'
Joe walks back to his pew, and his friend Jordan whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'A month's vacation and four excellent Leads.'
They’ve been friends for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “Holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”
The horse explains, “I’m eating a little food, a little hay, and next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.”
So what happens? The chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety.
The horse is grateful and says, “Anytime you need me, I’ll be there."
So what happens? About a week later, same thing, only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud. The horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house, but he can’t drive the BMW. He runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety.
Moral of the story – if you're hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman exclaims, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
May I direct your attention to the fine young man holding his comrade while he places the flag? Specifically to his wrists. Both of them. I wonder how that happened. Standard issue, I'm sure.
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'...and she's always sound asleep."
