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He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

John looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean.

So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

John asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.

Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, John asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"

I asked him, "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

He said, "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

Ha ha, the jokes on them! I've been turning women off for years... without a remote.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Tyrone, "but we don't have a ladder."

The White guy took a wrench from his work bucket, loosened a couple of bolts and layed the pole down on the ground. Then he took a tape measure from his bucket, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One nigger shook his head and laughed, "Typical honky! We ask for the height and he gives us the length!"

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calls emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

St Peter approaches the gates and asks, "May I help you?"

One of the black guys replies, "We came to get into Heaven."

So St Peter tells them to hold on for a few minutes, and then he walks off to find God. When he finds God he asks, "God, there are two black guys at the Pearly Gates. What should I do?"

God looks at St Peter and says, "Don't be such a racist, Peter. Go let those two black men into Heaven."

So St Peter heads back to the Pearly Gates...

30 minutes later he walks back to God and says, "They're gone!"

God replies, "They're gone? What do you mean?"

"They're gone!"

"You mean the two black men you were supposed to let into Heaven?" asks God.

"No," exclaimed St Peter, "the Pearly Gates!"

She asked her husband, "What should we do?"

The husband replied, "I'm no expert, but I don't think we should spank him."

20 minutes later I walked into the bedroom and I was shocked.

"Babe, Jabba the Hutt is not my favorite Star Wars character!"

"Fuck you, asshole," she shouted back. "I haven't gotten dressed up yet!"

Piece of cake

All they have to do is run, shoot, and steal.

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

"No," I said. "It's because later tonight I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."