He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage..
At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.
The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs. Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
"Please untie her, please, let her go!"
The burglar responds,
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"
The man yet again pleads,
"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."
The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"
"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"
The store wasn't quite ready yet, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked up to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer replied, "You're doing well. Only two left."
Me: They say tomorrow is going to be more jewish... My wife: MORE Jewish? Me: Like yesterday... My wife: Yesterday? Yesterday you said you'd take care of the jewdom... Me: I'll take care of it today My wife: Take care of it now Me: I'll take care of it now...
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
