Lost a best friend this weekend
original content (whatever)
I only have / had 3.5 friends basically, I'm 52. I have to dump this somewhere anonymously, and just get it off my chest. Great guy, He just turned 50 a few days ago, died in his sleep per his wife. I only talk to him about once a year because of life and all. He has his, I have mine, and the same with most mutual friends. He's much more social, but of them all, only me and another were the ones taking pictures together at his wedding in 2020.
<EDIT> I've know him and best buds since 1992
I suffered a major loss years / decades ago, and have no tears to give since then. Grandfather, Grandmother, Aunt, Uncle, multiple Cousins, and others passed since that major loss, and haven't shed a tear. I'm just numb to it. My mind IMMEDIATELY goes to why, how, and autopsy. Then after that in answered the problem to be solved. I currently don't have the first question answered, but have suspicions. He was NOT vaxxed, but vaped a like 100 watt cloud of "smoke" a ton.
Anyway, the wife surely doesn't make enough to keep the 6+ dogs and cats they kept, and the mortgage on the house. Add the 2 collectible cars, and other accoutrements of their lifestyle... my mind immediately goes to problem solving. When I suffered that major loss before I had someone essentially take care to those "problems". I didn't agree with them all, but it was "solved".
Looking back, there are major changes I would have made, but overall the end result is the same. Someone is lost, and things need to be taken care of. I have so many questions on how she (his wife) is going to make it, and what happens to everything it is making me mad. I have a friend that lost his little brother 20 years ago (kid that died was 20). His parents were so shaken and distraught a grave headstone was never decided. To this day it is subtlety ignored.
All this grief, guilt, remorse, and other emotions make me essentially shut down, and go into pure problem solving mode. I'm thinking logically and trying to come up with answers to every potential question. I had to find many of those answers after the fact in my personal loss, and refuse to accept the mediocre answers. This loss is the actual "Closest" to me since the first. I haven't cried, but I was trembling for a few hours after I learned. I've had troubles concentrating at work, and nightmares when sleeping since.
My logical mind focuses on the problem at hand, and how to resolve. How do I talk to his wife? Do I ask this or that wildly inappropriate question? What happens tomorrow, or next month? What was his favorite song? Who's going to do this or that, and take care of this or that?
I think I have some kind of shut-off switch in my brain that I can't control, and I'm there. I want to cry, but I can't. I can't stop thinking about the why, how, what, and when of the whole thing. I feel like and autistic person getting wrapped up in the details of what happened, and the result. No emotion, just pure facts, and consequences.
Then I stop, think, post here, and say WTF literally What the Fuck is wrong with my brain??? I can't just live, mourn, remember the life of that friend, follow the social norms, save a piece of paper with his name, the go on with my life????
Everyone suffers loss in their life. How do you keep feeling the same effort of loss after then first? I don't think I have that emotion in me.
