The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels really liked the slide and, unfortunately, all knew how to swim, so there were twice as many squirrels the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free behind the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out bowls of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much vandalism a band of drunk squirrels can do.
The Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy—they baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church, so that now they only ever see them at Christmas and Easter.
The squirrel problem at the Jewish synagogue lasted about a half hour. They grabbed the first squirrel they saw and circumcised it. They haven’t seen another squirrel since.
While I can't say I'll miss MOD pizza or Applebees, if fucking Dennys can't even make money, something is seriously wrong. I doubt normies suddenly learned to cook, what are they eating? TV dinners?
