Hitler And The Quest For The Stone of Power - A modern tale about how all leaders who came to power 'all of a sudden' really did it and the moral hazards thereof.
(whatever)
A story written by Llama 7b.
"YES!" said Hitler. "I finally found the stone of power!" He looked around for applause, but there was no one watching him but his two friends.
"Yippee," said Adolf.
"Hurrah," said Goering.
"Huzzah!" said Goldstein.
Adolf and Goering stopped and looked at the man. "goldstein?" asked Adolf.
"You are right, Adolf," said the man. "For it was I, not you, who was granted the vision of the place where this great stone lies buried."
"Impossible!" said Adolf, "no man with the name GOLD-STEIN could have found it!"
"And whats wrong with my name huh?" goldstein asked indignant.
"Well, its...its...JEWISH," said Adolf. "No one of that race could find the stone of power, and no one of that race could possess the stone without using its powers to destroy all non-Jews!"
"Well maybe I should just change my name then eh?" Goldstein spat. "And what names WOULD YOU suggest for a jew mr. hitler?"
Adolf thought for a second, before coming up with a list of approprietly jewish names.
"Well...er..what about...Ernst? Or David? Or...oh yes! Max!"
Goldstein sighed, and pulled a small knife from his pocket. "I should have killed you when I had the chance. But now you must die!"
"No!" said Hitler, but he was too late, for Goldstein had already cut his own throat.
Hitler mourned goldstein cutting goldstein's own throat. "Always the victim..tsk tsk."
"He was a hero," said Goering.
"And a jew," said Hitler.
"And a jew."
Hitler was sad. Goldstein was the only one who knew where the stone of power was buried, and he had killed himself, so no one else could find it. He was sad.
"But no matter," Hitler said, "I can find the stone by myself!"
"How?" asked Goering.
"Shut up you fat pig!" Hitler shouted, suddenly realizing the implication that if only a jew was capable of finding the stone, and Hitler was capable of finding the stone, then..
"Ok," said Goering.
Hitler decided he'd just have to find the stone. It wasn't very hard, seeing as how the stone was glowing, and had a big, flashing arrow pointing to it.
"Here we are," said Hitler, and dug up the stone. It was big, and black, and shaped like a big, black, cock. On it engraved in simple forms were the letter "D.E.I"
"So," Hitler said, "What can we do with it now that we have it?"
Goering looked at the stone, then looked at the sky, then looked at the stone again, then looked at Hitler, then looked at the stone again, then back in the sky, then back at Hitler.
"I think you should suck on it," he said.
Hitler took the stone and sucked on it. Immediately, a great power welled up in him, and his hair turned a beautiful white, and his mustache was no longer a silly mustache, but a sexy mustache, and in his eyes glowed the star of david.
"I am now all powerful!" he screamed. "And I am now a Jew! AHHHHAHAHAHAHAA!"
But suddenly, the stone vanished. Hitler looked at his hands. The great power was gone.
"I don't understand," said Hitler.
"It is because you are no longer a Jew," said Goering.
Hitler looked at himself. "I have a silly mustache, and a white, shiny head, and in my eyes glows the star of david. How am I not a Jew?"
"The star of david is no longer in your eyes," said Goering. "You were a Jew. You no longer are."
"No!" Hitler shouted. "I still have the silly mustache, and the shiny head! I must have the power I tell you, I must have it! You mean to tell me the stone of power is only active when I suck on it? How am I even supposed to speak if I have to walk around all day with this big black cock in my mouth!? No wonder these jews are so insufferable all the time! They're all a bunch of cocksuckers I tell ya!"
"Yes," said Goering. "They are. I think we should round them all up!"
Hitler smiled. His plan was working! With a single word he would create a great army of anti-Semites who would help him get the stone back and use its power once and for all.
"Good," said Hitler, "And put them in nice camps."
"um, I had other ideas. And also, I'd like not to be included."
said Goering, "I will spare me. I am fat, and needy, and a coward, and would never have the courage to stand up against the Jews."
"Wait, you're a jew too!" Hitler exclaimed, before suddenly shooting goering dead.
"wh...why goering?" mumbled, shocked, dying on the floor.
"You are too stupid to be a Jew, Goering." Hitler said, his eyes full of sadness. "You have been fooled. And so have I. The Stone of Power is a lie. All that power, and it could only be wielded by sucking a giant dick. I cannot believe I wasted my whole life looking for that. The dirty jews tricked us into sucking a simple dildo, a big black dildo. We've been had."
Hitler sat down on the grass, and stared at the sky. "All those innocent lives. All that death and pain and suffering. All for nothing. The Stone of Power was just a dirty dildo. I can't believe I fell for it."
Goering, his body still bleeding from the fatal wound he had just received, crawled across the grass, and put his hand on Hitler's knee.
"It's not your fault," he said. "You couldn't have known."
"But I did," Hitler said, and tears started rolling down his cheeks. "Only a homo would suck on a jewish sex toy, would fall for such a simple minded ploy."
In the distance, they both startled as thunder suddenly cracked, and upon recall, they would describe what both of them thought could only be the malevolent laughter of a voice that sounded vaguely like goldstein's own.
"I have failed, Goering." Hitler said.
Goering, despite having a large hole in his chest, smiled. "Don't worry, Hitler, there will be other stones, and other dildo's of power to suck on. You miss a hundred percent of chances at power that you don't try to snatch with your mouthpussy like the common political whores that we are."
"You're right," Hitler said, his voice growing more confident, the tears no longer wetting his face. "I won't give up. There will be other chances. Other stones. Other dildos. I'll find another way. Napoleon did it. The americans did it. The soviets did it. The chinese did it, and I can too. I will. I swear to you, my friend, I will find a stone that isn't a dildo and a power that isn't a lie, and I will be the greatest leader the world has ever seen. Even if it takes me the rest of my life, even if I have to kill every living human being, I will find the true power. The power that doesn't require a mouthpussy that only eats hotchip and lies for political gain. The power that isn't a joke. The true power. The ultimate power. I will find it."
Goering was still dead, but Hitler was sure he was smiling, as hitler absentmindedly made these bold predictions to a corpse.
