He told me that his code name was Chow Mein. I asked, "didn't kamikaze pilots commit suicide in their missions? To which he replied, "yes, but I was chicken chow mein!"
As they're sitting there imbibing their liquor, a frequent bar patron walks up and says, "Would one of you guys like a blow job?" One of the black guys immediately gets up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and resumes his drink. His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Tyrone, why did you do that for?" Tyrone replies, "Because that Mo - Fo said something about wanting to give me a job!".
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a man with no arms and no legs on her porch. She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?" He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with, and no legs to run away." Then she say, "And the sex life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
A man and his fiancée are planning a wedding, and the fiancée has (as usual) planned most of the event. Wanting her future husband to be more involved in the planning, she assigns him the task of hiring a pianist for the wedding reception. Not thrilled with the responsibility, he decides to ask around at his favorite bar to see if anyone knows a piano player. Everyone at the bar agrees that a local guy named Tony is an accomplished pianist, and the man contacts and promptly hires him, without even hearing him play.
The day of the wedding reception arrives, The pianist Tony shows up at the reception, dressed impeccably in a fine tuxedo. The man's wife is thrilled that he hired such a professional looking musician.
Tony sits down at the piano and announces "I am going to play a song I wrote, called 'Your Mother's a Cunt and I Fucked Her!". A gasp ripples through the reception crowd, but is quickly replaced with silence as he plays beautifully.
Tony continues to play, and to announce lewd and disturbing titles for each song. Embarrassed, the man's wife pulls the newlywed husband aside and harshly whispers to him "Where the hell did you find this guy? Do you hear the names of his songs? The last song he played was called 'Fuck me like a prison whore!'. As she was complaining, her eyes grew wide and she pointed to the pianist. In his enthusiasm he was standing and his tuxedo pants ripped open, exposing his genitals for all to see. "Oh my God!", the wife cried. The man assures his new wife he would take care of the situation.
The man approaches Tony and whispers quietly in his ear, "Do you know your pants ripped open and your fucking balls are hanging out?"
The pianist smiles and replies "No, but if you hum a few bars, I can probably figure it out!"
A Muslim immigrant in Dearborn Michigan goes to a Doctor and says, "I feel terrible." The Doctor examines him and then says, "You need to take a bucket, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage, then piss and shit in it for a week. Hold your face over the bucket, put a towel over your head, and inhale the vapors for 3 days". The man follows the Doctors's orders and returns in a week, telling the Doctor, "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?" "You were homesick."
like the title says the man goes to the doctor with his wife. after many tests and hours the doctor comes to the man with grave news. the doctor says your wife either has dimentia or aids. the man says what should I do?
the doctor says drive your wife to a place nearby but that she's never been to before. if she comes back home, don't fuck her.
