An old couple dies in a car accident. They go straight to heaven and are given a tour by St. Peter himself. - Look, there's the villa where you'll live, complete with tennis court and swimming pool. The recreation center is a few streets away and there are also a few golf courses. If you're thirsty or hungry, you can go to one of the pubs and restaurants nearby. Everything is free and you'll feel very happy here. At which St. Peter smiles and says goodbye. The man turns to his wife and says; - Really, Alice! If you hadn't harped on about that nasty wholemeal muesli and skimmed milk, we could have lived here for fifteen years!
Weak as fuck I know, but I saw an obese, hairy, smelly, ugly poojeet woman with a short chubby balding chink and their son. And I pondered what does a poo and a chink make? Besides ugly offspring.
A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old one, and puts him in the chicken coop...
The new rooster walks up arrogantly to the old rooster and says "out of the way old man! These are my hens now. Your time is done." The old rooster rolls his eyes.
"Alright, fine, I get it. I'm old. But I still have some living left to do, and won't give up my hens so easily. There is only room in this coop for one of us. Let's settle it this way: we race around the coop. The winner stays, and the other goes." The young rooster agrees to the challenge.
The old rooster says "but listen, I'm not the young cock I once was. You have to give me a 5 second head start to make it fair." The young rooster agrees to these terms.
When race time comes, the young rooster counts down to start it. "3... 2...1... go!" The old rooster takes off running, giving it his all. After 5 seconds, the new rooster takes off after him. As they round the first turn of the race, the new rooster is already about to catch up to the old one, right on his heels.
The farmer is sitting on his porch watching. He stands up, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the young rooster, leaving only some blood and feathers. He says "DAMN IT! That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"
A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot...
Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic.
In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: "God, please, help me out here. I'll do anything... I'll quit smoking. I'll stop drinking. I'll donate money to charity."
As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space.
The man holds up his hand, and goes: "Never mind, I found one".
A Chinese guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, who is black, and says, "Gimme a jigger, nigger."
The black guy gets upset. "Hey, what the hell is your problem?"
The Chinese guy responds, "I assure you I have no problem, sir."
Black guy says, "Oh yeah, how would you like it if I came to your place of work and spoke racial slurs at you?"
Chinese guy says, "I wouldn't mind at all or take any offense."
Black guy says, "Okay, well let's trade places then and see if you really mean that."
So, the Chinese guy walks behind the bar and pretends to be the bartender. The black guy leaves for a moment then returns and says to the Chinese guy, "Gimme a drink, chink."
The Chinese guy responds, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers."
The plumber assesses the situation and says, "I can fix it today for $800."
The lawyer, surprised, asks, "How long will it take?" The plumber replies, "I'll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair."
The lawyer, smirking, says, "Two hours for $800? That's $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "Yes, I understand. That's why I left my law practice."
