Sign into an existing account

Philip's Head

Patient - what's the best contraceptive?

Doctor - a glass of water.

Patient - how does it work?

Doctor - you have it instead.

He breaks his nose!

A cowboy is riding through the plains with his Native American guide

After a time, the native dismounts, and puts his ear to the ground. As he stands up, he says,"Buffalo come."

The cowboy says, "How can you tell? Just from listening for their sounds? Or feeling vibrations through the earth?"

The native says,"Ear sticky."

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one's hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

A man and woman are lying in bed at night, and the wife asks the husband, "If I were to die, would you remarry?"
To which the husband replies "I guess so".
Irritated, the wife asks "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
The husband thinks for a minute and says "Probably"
The wife then asks, with gritted teeth, "Would you let her use my golf clubs"
Without a second of hesitation the husband replied "No."
Relieved, but confused, the wife asks "Why not?"
To which the husband responds "She is not left handed"

An old couple dies in a car accident. They go straight to heaven and are given a tour by St. Peter himself.
- Look, there's the villa where you'll live, complete with tennis court and swimming pool. The recreation center is a few streets away and there are also a few golf courses. If you're thirsty or hungry, you can go to one of the pubs and restaurants nearby. Everything is free and you'll feel very happy here.
At which St. Peter smiles and says goodbye. The man turns to his wife and says;
- Really, Alice! If you hadn't harped on about that nasty wholemeal muesli and skimmed milk, we could have lived here for fifteen years!

So I turned on a lamp and I signed to her "Whenever you want to have sex just pull my penis once, when you don't feel like it, pull it 150 times."

Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

He should dicker

- Redd Foxx