The way back (whatever)
submitted by sguevar to whatever 1 year ago
14 comments
More often than not, people tend to take their sufferings internally until they bottle up and then explode for all the rest to see. Several reasons can be the cause of it, but mostly they lie in embarrassment and fear.
Life is an amazing road to go through, and one can really see how much it has changed us through our paths of salvation or perdition.
I want to take this opportunity to share with you my paths. Both the one of perdition but most importantly the one of salvation. Do not look at this as a confession, for my confessions are only with God. But this is important to do as a Christian to show how Truth changes one’s life.
My mother is a mathematician. She became quite an authority on the matter in one of the public universities in the country. She used to be a devoted catholic for she was raised in that way. Costa Rica’s main religion is Catholicism. She comes from a humble beginning, where my grandmother had her outside of marriage in the 50’s. Years later, my grandmother married a man, whom I would grow to know as my grandfather. My mother’s stepfather. You can imagine in those days how that would have been looked upon. And yet, my grandfather took care of both and had six more children. Four men and two women.
The stories I hear of my grandmother were that she was a school teacher but also liked to sing a lot and sometimes made promises of some sewing jobs that she wouldn’t deliver in time. My mother helped raise her brothers and sisters. Even today she is looked as an authority in her family for she is wise in so many levels and holds very strong moral views about several subjects.
My father, is also a mathematician. He didn’t share the same drive as my mother to gain titles and even if he is very intelligent, he just didn’t care to get the highest academic authority. Though he was also brought up as a Catholic, his upbringing was more from a family that wanted out of the humble beginnings and becoming more classist. He does have some humble beliefs but during my childhood he was more of the hard hand when it came to holding up to manners and “good” behavior. Which in most social interactions with adults meant, “Stay quiet”. And, if one were to not behave accordingly, well you would get the big open eyes and the “wait until we get home” where we would be met with the mighty belt.
Unfortunately, my father was very weak with the sins of the flesh. He was an adulterous whoremonger and fornicator. He fell into alcoholism and gambling. He was violent towards my mother and had several kids outside their marriage. Four in total. Eventually they divorced and me and my brothers, and sisters, were left with my mother.
They both had 6 children. I was the fifth. In my later years, when reached fifteen, I noticed what most of you will see as coincidences. I would later in life realize that these were my first steps in noticing God’s plan in our lives.
My mother and father had six children, three men and three women, all interspersed (man, woman, man, woman, man, woman). There is a symmetric axis between the first three children and the younger generation of six years, one year per child. My eldest brother is two years older than my eldest sister, and she is one year older than the next man in line. After six years, my second sister was born, she is one year older than me and in turn I am two years older than the youngest sister in line.
Additionally, my mother took care of all six of her children, and made sure that we were not part of the statistics. We were never poor. Sometimes we didn’t had something we wanted but we were never short of food, housing nor health. Her struggles were something to admire. And her faith guided her so much in that road because despite of being Catholic, she denied the church’s legitimacy, though paid special respects to the Virgin Mary because her story helped her keep on going.
I learned the importance of marriage, the meaning of it, from her. She never remarried, she never looked for another man. She never brought another man into our house. She always said that she knew that marriage is a bond you make with your other half in God’s name. Though my father did not respect this bond, she would do so in God’s name.
All my brothers, sisters and I had our own problems. However, I know for a fact that the ones that gave more issues to my mother were my eldest brother and I. Following similar cycles learned in the past of addiction, alcoholism, violence. We are all very intelligent, but that meant nothing to the flesh. For intelligence does not mean wisdom. And we lost ourselves in our own paths of perdition for quite some years. I won’t speak for my other siblings, but for me, I will share this to you.
I made my mother cry multiple times. I sinned in so many ways and levels and lost my rationality when I was in the deepest and darkest part of my life. Saying that I was a handful would never come even close to the level of problems I brought to the table. As a matter of fact, people who knew me then, don’t even recognize me today. They can’t believe the change. My mother was distraught with me for she did not know what would become of me. I know what it is to grow with rage, with hate. Not feeling able to fit in one place. Not even with my family.
At fourteen I declared myself an atheist. For there could not be a God in my eyes that allow all of the bad that happen in my family. And the same goes for the world. I couldn’t understand at that point that the evil in my family or in the world was not because of God but because of our denial of God.
At seventeen, I nearly lost everything. In a drunken moment of rage I threw a knife at my mother. Police was called and I was ready to die there. I grabbed the axe we had in the house and told them to come at me. My mother pleaded to them to let one of my uncles to come and talk with me. He talked me down to drop the axe. I was taken into custody.
In the police station I was beaten down by several cops and thrown into a cell. That was the first time I would be in one. My anger changed that day, it became more detached from empathy and cynic. With time that wound would somewhat close and I was allowed to go back home. But the anger, alcoholism and addictions were still present. I just became more careful in letting them out in sight.
I graduated high school with good grades both in the Costa Rican educational system as in the French, for the school I went to had both. I always played with the system and my mother was frustrated with me in so many levels but particularly the academic one. She knew I was the smartest of all her children yet, I was at the time, the most problematic. Once again intelligence does not equate wisdom.
In college, I became a whoremonger and a fornicator. Got myself thrown in jail a couple of nights in drunken events with the police. Though I thought I had friends, quickly they turned their back on me because of how I behaved.
A couple of years passed and then at nineteen, I started hearing them. The voices that would hunt my mind for several years. Like knives they kept throwing at me the truth. I was ungrateful, I was scum, I was trash, I was worthless, kill yourself. Everyone’s life would be better if you were not here.
My mother was worried. For she heard me argue with them. She didn’t know what to do. And a psychologist told me she could refer me to a psychiatrist so they could prescribe me some meds. At this point in my life I knew, if I go down that path, I will never be me again. I will forever lose myself and depend on things that will worsen everything if I had no access to them. So I said “No” but in a mildly more familiar way: “No, I still want to be able to have a hard on”.
I had to fight against them by myself. Or navigate life without them taking over me. I was determined to do so. But the addiction was still present. I dropped my drinking quite a bit. To the point it was nearly none existent. But kept smoking weed. My mother asked me to move out after sometime. She couldn’t handle the smell and she needed peace.
I understood and started looking for a place to live. This was another turning point in my life. There were two possible outcomes. Either I straighten my life to a point where I could navigate through life without becoming homeless or dying. That was it. It happen. I kept smoking, the whoremongering and fornication were still present and drinking wasn’t an issue anymore. Everything had its limits. I set priorities, pay my bills, buy food and the rest was for my vices. During that time I still heard them. I used to put a pillow over my ears and still heard them scream inside my head. But I was managing.
At this point I was twenty six and my “partying” dropped a lot. Though I still yearned for it. And then, I became a conspiracy theorist. I started researching on all that I could about secret societies, about HAARP, about 9/11, about project blue beam, about MK Ultra, and so on and so forth. And then it hit me.
There were so many things that I knew were false, but also so much more that I knew were true. And all of those that were true had lots of similarities to what the Bible was warning us about. But the one verse that got me to start looking for the Truth was: [u]Ephesians 6:12[/u] *** For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places***.
I saw there that we were all being lead like cattle to the slaughterhouse. That we were all slaves of our own passions, of our own lusts and that we had no salvation from our works for they all lead to self-destruction. The voices kept on pushing me during night but I paid no attention to them anymore. They were like flies in my life. I knew they were there but they did not define my life in one bit. In my pursuit for Truth, I was gaining something I couldn’t understand because I was like a child starting to believe in Christ. But now, I know I was gaining spiritual strength. The voices and all of my faults were the reflection of my spiritual weakness. Of my dependence on the world and not on the Truth for I knew it was out there but I just didn’t look for it.
I grew in my faith, and found the preaching of Pastor Steven Anderson. His confrontational preaching was super hard for me to take, but I knew that God had lead me to him, for I needed that confrontation. I needed to grow more in the Spirit.
Three years went by, the voices were no longer and I eventually found Voat. And boy that was another trip. But one that helped me see how much my faith needed strengthening. I decided to stop smoking weed. And work more on my faith in Jesus Christ. There was still though, the problem of whoremongering and fornication.
After turning thirty, I cried out loud to the Lord, **“Lord, if you want me to walk during these days of days alone, as testimony of what you have done in my life, I will do so, in your name. But if you could send me a God fearing woman that would walk this path with me, it would make it so much easier to bear”**. Seven days later, I met my wife.
I had previously met her four years prior in a company where we both worked but I had still some growing to do. At that time I am sure, she would not have given me any attention. Let’s face it, I was a wreck then. But when I met her, and seeing that she was also a God fearing woman, that she would listen to me and would not grab her phone when we went out at all. I knew then that she was it. The woman of my life. The woman that God had made for me. A woman that came from humble beginnings, that had a mother with no academic background that took care of six kids on her own three men and three women, alone. A woman that had character, for my life had given to me a strong character, sometimes bordering arrogant and prideful, and I needed a strong woman that could put me in line.
After 5 years of marriage, with one beautiful daughter, a recently acquired mortgage, I can attest that God had a plan for me. For my wife. For my family. We both grew without a priest in our houses. But my wife and my daughter, and God willing, future children, shall not have a house without a priest in it. I shall be the shepherd of this house in God’s name: : [u]1 Peter 2:9-10[/u] ***But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light; Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy***; and will work every day to show my wife how much I love her according to the Word of God: [u]Ephesians 6:12[/u] ***Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;***.
There is still much to go through. But we will do so together in Jesus’ name. For we know that He is the Way and the Truth. We will reach out to those that need our help when we can and show our testimony to all, especially to our families. We do not believe we are better than them or than anybody for that matter. For we recognize that we are all sinners, for the struggle with the flesh still remains, and hence sin is still within us. But we strive for our spirit. Every passing day. We strive to be and do better, not in our name but in God’s name. HE who IS, who humbled Himself and made Himself of no reputation so he could be as us and save us.
Salvation is for everybody. Your heritage has no meaning. Your works have no meaning. Only grace can cleanse us in the end. Be not dismayed for what the world brings at you. For I know that if we kneel and surrender ourselves to the Lord, he can make changes in our lives that will show the testament of his Truth.
Believe so you may be saved. Be born again in the spirit. This breath of life that was given to you at the moment of conception, is a precious gift. Do not waste it in the ways of the world. Do not let it die.
