Sign into an existing account

Just want to post somewhere I'm drunk AF and somewhat depressed. If you REALLY want to shit on me about health, getting better, and all the fuck read my post history. I have major issues I'm not going to re-hash.

This is just me being sorry for myself, a bit low and sad, and just want to type something into the ether.

I play on social media with people for fun. I'm a mix of fucked up personalities overall, but generally SFW on FB and insta for family and really close friends just to keep in touch and fun. I KNOW that all shit is toxic, but it's a way to interact with them as a social hermit, and gets some chuckles with cute kitten gifs and such.

Twitter I do go hard, and with some of my RT's of HT and things I'm surprised I haven't gotten banned. I get about 3-4 emails a day my post has been limited views.

All that said I am a severely depressed person. I'm NOT asking for you all to give advice, or DO THIS, DO THAT. I just want to dump and be honest. I haven't touched a woman sexually since 2012. I asked a woman out in 2020, and on the date stumbled out the phrase
"I haven't been on a date since 2012" while it was going great, and she immediately corrected me that "this isn't a date". Like Soul crushing. "I like you as a friend" and all that.

Terrified of speaking to and interacting with women. I'm afraid of being accused of a sexual predator if I say the wrong thing. My state sent a 19 year old to prison and a sex offender for the rest of his life just for dating a 17 year old. I'm scared if I make an offending joke in public the police may show up and arrest me for assault. I find a woman attractive, I don't know what the F to do or say. I never learned how to "flirt" and have never successfully asked a woman on a date in the social world. Yeah I tried a bunch back in the 90's but failed 110% of the time.

Now I'm a lonely hermit, have no future, and am sad most nights. I can occasionally feign happiness and post "funnies" on socials because that is the ONLY interaction I have with people. Most of the women I DO interact with there are the wives of friends. They all say I'm funny, and all that BS. Otherwise I don't know where to even do interact with a woman my age.

Even then, What are your hobbies? Building guns, and amateur gunsmith. Political discourse and reading more about the jews destroying civilization. Maintaining my own home, and being self-sustainable as I can. Drinking amounts of alcohol that would make most people die just to make my mind go numb when I finally lay down in my lonely bed to sleep for 1-2 hours then get up to pee, then re-arrange the blankets because I'm too hot or too cold, and shift form side to side because my sinus isn't breathing well on the left or the right that particular night.

There isn't a single chance if I even found some Jabba the hut woman willing to accept my health and body acceptable to even fornicate with she would put up with my sleeping. At 51 years old I can count on my hands the number of times I have actually spent the night in bed overnight.

Well I'm a fucked piece of mess. Reply with "get active and work out" "make yourself better" and that shit, go FUCK yourself. I have Stills Disease, and it's fucks with my body, and I can't just "make it all better with exercise". Sometimes life genetics gives you a shit hand, and earlier life gives you a giant middle finger to make your emotions fucked.

I only have / had 3.5 friends basically, I'm 52. I have to dump this somewhere anonymously, and just get it off my chest. Great guy, He just turned 50 a few days ago, died in his sleep per his wife. I only talk to him about once a year because of life and all. He has his, I have mine, and the same with most mutual friends. He's much more social, but of them all, only me and another were the ones taking pictures together at his wedding in 2020.

I've know him and best buds since 1992

I suffered a major loss years / decades ago, and have no tears to give since then. Grandfather, Grandmother, Aunt, Uncle, multiple Cousins, and others passed since that major loss, and haven't shed a tear. I'm just numb to it. My mind IMMEDIATELY goes to why, how, and autopsy. Then after that in answered the problem to be solved. I currently don't have the first question answered, but have suspicions. He was NOT vaxxed, but vaped a like 100 watt cloud of "smoke" a ton.

Anyway, the wife surely doesn't make enough to keep the 6+ dogs and cats they kept, and the mortgage on the house. Add the 2 collectible cars, and other accoutrements of their lifestyle... my mind immediately goes to problem solving. When I suffered that major loss before I had someone essentially take care to those "problems". I didn't agree with them all, but it was "solved".

Looking back, there are major changes I would have made, but overall the end result is the same. Someone is lost, and things need to be taken care of. I have so many questions on how she (his wife) is going to make it, and what happens to everything it is making me mad. I have a friend that lost his little brother 20 years ago (kid that died was 20). His parents were so shaken and distraught a grave headstone was never decided. To this day it is subtlety ignored.

All this grief, guilt, remorse, and other emotions make me essentially shut down, and go into pure problem solving mode. I'm thinking logically and trying to come up with answers to every potential question. I had to find many of those answers after the fact in my personal loss, and refuse to accept the mediocre answers. This loss is the actual "Closest" to me since the first. I haven't cried, but I was trembling for a few hours after I learned. I've had troubles concentrating at work, and nightmares when sleeping since.

My logical mind focuses on the problem at hand, and how to resolve. How do I talk to his wife? Do I ask this or that wildly inappropriate question? What happens tomorrow, or next month? What was his favorite song? Who's going to do this or that, and take care of this or that?

I think I have some kind of shut-off switch in my brain that I can't control, and I'm there. I want to cry, but I can't. I can't stop thinking about the why, how, what, and when of the whole thing. I feel like and autistic person getting wrapped up in the details of what happened, and the result. No emotion, just pure facts, and consequences.

Then I stop, think, post here, and say WTF literally What the Fuck is wrong with my brain??? I can't just live, mourn, remember the life of that friend, follow the social norms, save a piece of paper with his name, the go on with my life????

Everyone suffers loss in their life. How do you keep feeling the same effort of loss after then first? I don't think I have that emotion in me.

I don't have many places to go, and fuck it. I have a Rheumatic disease, and had a flair up of it. Bad meds, fucked up life, all that. I'm not going to tell a lifetime. Judge all you want, but know I'm not some worthless POS.

2 days ago I got a potential diagnosis of kidney disease because of diabetes. Multitude of other health issues that are because of something called Still's disease. Look it up if you want, it's rare. I found a picture of me from 1992, and I honestly can't recognize myself. I was off meds, and living great. since then downfall bad, and multiple years on Prednisone. I'm a fucking C.H.U.D. and have been since shortly after that pic. Now prednisone and other meds fucking my body just to survive depression has set in like a fucking dump truck. I can't exercise, or work out, it sends the auto-immune disease into overdrive. I can't do anything except wait to die. Life is Hell, and I hate everything.

What the ever loving fuck?

A UK court has ruled a 19-year-old critically ill female patient with a rare disorder cannot make her own decisions about continuing her medical care, as her family battles her doctors' desire to stop treatment and pursue end-of-life care.

Doctors want the kill the person, family and person want to live. This is some next level scary bullshit.

I actually like the rendition. Call me a softie for "Jewel" she can sing like a motherfucker. I see NOTHING wrong with her adaptation. She didn't NIGGER it up with bullshit, she did all the lyrics right, and sang great.

Faux article: https://www.foxnews.com/sports/jewels-twist-national-anthem-indianapolis-500-fails-resonate-fans-panned-disrespectful

Won't make it anywhere, but at least someone is doing something

Released August 12, 1996 on the album First Band on the Moon. I bought the album because I'm Swedish, and the song Lovefool was catchy, and the lead singer chick was hot.

IMHO this is the best song on the whole album. There's a bunch of great tracks, but back to here. Anyway. Hollow sounding guitar and bass. Almost like mid EQ is 100% and bass and treble 0%. I thought for a while they Swede's don't have quality instruments. There is almost NO sustain on the bass throughout 90% of the song. The guitar is almost a percussion instrument.

What a weird sound for then, the end of "grunge". Once the verse starts I immediately thing of this as like a "punk" version of ABBA. There's serious production, writing, and complexity to such a simple song. I can't get past the fact every instrument is Staccato in many places. Its goes back and forth so much. It is part of the hook of the song. If this isn't a POP version of a Pixies song I don't know what is! Soft verse, heavy chorus.

2:13 clock ringing, Who writes a song, has an old mechanical alarm clock planned in or near the bridge, and it is totally in tune with the song?!?! This was WAY before digital processors, auto-tune, or anything even close to the budget of a small band from Sweden, and especially on a song that was a backing, or second track. BUT is fits perfectly. That alarm clock rings perfectly with the song.


OK fine, Lyrics... Bullet point list:

I've been you mother, I've been your father
Who can ask me for more?
I've been your sister, I've been your mistress
Maybe I was your whore, who can ask me for more?

After their HIT song Lovefool if this came out it would be super controversial back then. Today it would be a (((pride))) anthem. When I listen it's usually a filler song. I love the dichotomy, and feel of the song. It makes me bob my head back and forth and such.

I know I've missed a few days, sorry.

Freaking super heavy bass intro. If you can listen to this on a system with a subwoofer it really pumps. It's super catchy to me. This came out March 24, 2010, but it was in an episode intro for the TV show House February 1, 2010. Obviously industry insiders gave the show the song many months before considering the lead time. Obviously super produced pop. The woman voicing the rap is "Eve". She was a bit famous back then.

For fun, here is the March studio album release (there is no record of this being released as a single; Either version): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipjZkMKikeM
Notice it is MUCH different. I cannot find an official statement on the one I linked to starting this post. I can though find THAT overly distorted and less "rap" version was used not only in that house episode, but also again in Breaking Bad in April 18, 2010. That's actually where I found and started looking the song up.

#ROMAN SALUTE 1:46~~~~~~~

The break, "them drum machines ain't got no soul" @2:00 then some cheery keyboard BS. It's weird, but comes back and hits hard again. Nothing amazing to say about the whole song other than it really energizes me, makes me tap my foot or whatever. If you work out try adding it to your playlist. I gave it to a buddy a year ago and he still uses it.

[OK I can't figure out how to edit a post properly] Please read below if you care, but read this first. I literally knew nothing about this band other than remembering the lyric a friend in need...

Looking them up turns out the are a bunch of degenerate faggots and druggies. I thought it was a catchy song that made me upbeat and happy. I'm going to make the post again even knowing that BS, sorry, hate me if you want.

~~~

Another late 90's song. This is more of an afterthought. I was reading about the latest Mandolorian episode and read the phrase somewhere "a friend in need is a friend indeed". I IMMEDIATELY thought of this son, but had to google the name and band.

It's catchy, and weird. I have no idea why it has a warning about suicide trying to play the song on jewtube. Anyway, it's a really simple song, and tons of repeating lyrics. I always took the lyric "A friend that bleeds is better" to mean having a woman in need is better than other friends, but I may be totally off. There I go analyzing lyrics again. I normally would listen to something like this in the car, and move on to the next song. Writing these up I'm listening to the song on repeat probably 20 times. You can't not hear the lyrics.

To the music; I'm 90% sure they used software called Acid Pro on a lot of this recording. The drums are for sure. :39 into the first guitar hit happens. It's just long enough and heavy enough. 1:13 same hit with some octave chords like the Pumpkins popularized in the early 90's. Nothing special happens overall in the song, but that's OK. It's just alt-rock that is energetic, and fun to listen to.

I'm trying to review songs I'm betting you either haven't heard, or forgot about. Released in 1999. Short song. Simple intersting guitar intro. Verse then :38 starts a freaking violin and familiar chord progressions. It isn't a real change to a chorus, it's like a interlude and the verse again. Interesting composition. V2 almost the same as 1. 1:07 the interlude, then 1:16 heavy chorus intro. It's like the Pixies, hushed, restrained verses, and explosive, wailing choruses.

1:30 right back to the psychedelic verse guitar and meandering vocals and guitars. 2:00 again familiar interlude, then heavy chorus at 2:09. This one goes a bit longer and has a medicore guitar solo. Back and forth chorus a but, then finally back to the origonal riff. realle mellow finish. It's a really satisifying listen while driving, or just chilling.

This is a huge memory from a time where music was dominated by shit pop music, and boy bands. Check this list out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billboard_Year-End_Hot_100_singles_of_1999 With the exception of #18 and #23 (I will review them later) it is a complete list of absolute shit.

SOB!!! I wrote up like 20 minutes of stuff and hit a key and lost the page. I'm going to commit to this daily thing no matter what anyone thinks about my taste in music.

I WILL get this out. I'll paste the lyrics below and comment later. Upon re-doing this I think the back story should be up-font. Veruca Salt was popular in the mid to late 90's. Two chick guitarists, both cute Louise Post and Nina Gordon. in the late 90's the band broke up, and Louise got dumped by Dave Grohl for Winona Ryder in a short time. Back then it was in all the entertainment magazines, and talk shows, but there was no internet to archive it all. Louise kept the band name, and wrote this album Resolver. This song and another "disconnected" are direct assults on Dave Grohl, and partially Nina.

So all that finally typed up, to the song. I'm going to make analogies I hate to do. This is the exact OPPOSITE of what dubstep is. The whole song builds up, up higher, then drops to quiet beauty. I's not really following the Pixies, but close. In the first 15 seconds we hear Louise clearly say "You're a hopeless liar and a hypocryat". That's harsh and setting the tone for the song. There's a LOT of repeated lyrics punching home the acusations. 1:09 is the first like climax ruined. it's beautiful. Crescendo and BAM 1:57 about 1 minute later another super crash to quiet cute beautiful voices... The rest of the song is another crescendo until IMHO the PEAK of the song at 3:40 when Louise sings "I would rather die than take your BULLIT!!"


Don't thank me for what you've got
I've given you love
I've given you too much thought
Don't blame me for sinking the ship
You're a hopeless liar and a hypocrite
Only you know, only you know
Only you know, only you know
Don't thank me for what you've got
I've given you love
I've given you too much thought
Don't shame me for calling it quits
You're a hopeless cynic I'm an optimist
Only you know, only you know
Only you know, only you know
Haa!
Don't hate me for what you've got
I've given you drugs
I've given you too much thought
Don't blame me for flunking the test
I would rather think that you were honest
Don't blame me cause you got caught
You've given me up you've taken everything I got
Those lies came straight from your mouth
I never dreamed that you would be a sellout
Only you know, only you know
Only you know, only you know
Don't use me as your last crutch
I've taken you in, I've trusted you way too much
Don't wear me around your wrist
You should have thought it through before you blew it
Same day... same life
Different person
Your ghost.my pride
Perfect union
Same day... same life
Different person
Your ghost.my pride
Perfect union
Don't hate me for what you've got, I've given you love
I've given you too much thought
Don't shame me, for sinking the ship
You're a hopeless liar and a hypocrite
Don't hate me for what you're not
I'm aiming your gun
I'm lining up the perfect shot
Don't waste me on something stupid like this
I would rather die than take your bullet
I would rather die than take your bullet
I would rather die than take your bullet
I would rather die than take your bullet
Than take your bullet
Than take your bullet
Than take your bullet
Only you know, only you know (different person)
Only you know, only you know (different person)