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How do I tell a man I think his wife is a cheat w/o proof?

submitted by goatfugee12 to AskUpgoat 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:09:06 ago (+22/-0)     (AskUpgoat)

Long story short have some good married friends who are friends with their direct married neighbors. Upper middle class people.

The neighbors wife has flirted with me, acted jealous when I dated another woman briefly, sends me photos of her "hanging out alone" on her couch, sends photos "hanging out" with men that are not her husband to seemingly make me jealous or to hint to me she's a cheat.

She revved up her game the other night and called me at 11pm to ask me to come hang out while her husband was out of town with their son, I declined.

Without any direct proof of cheating how would you approach this with this other man. Dudes a country boy, real simple minded, his wife is college educated and makes more than him. I want to just tell the man to keep his wife on a leash but I do not want to create any neighborhood drama for my friends.

Ignoring the problem is not entirely possible as any time I go to the friends house for a get together the horny neighbor woman runs over to hang out as well.


78 comments block


[ - ] PostWallHelena 23 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:59:29 ago (+26/-3)

I think you can just say “ Hey dude, I feel uncomfortable with your wife texting me and asking me to hang out. I doubt she meant anything by it, but it has an appearance of impropriety.”

You don’t have to make the accusation. Just share the information in such a way that does not insult him or his wife and let him connect the dots.

Say, “ I’m old fashioned, close friendships with married women is not the way I roll” You will have done your diligence to him without overstepping any bounds. Its really not your place to say “ your wife acts like a whore” — this is enough.

[ - ] AugustineOfHippo2 10 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:44:26 ago (+11/-1)

I agree. You can just pull him aside and show him the text, and not even say anything.

[ - ] con77 7 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:50:02 ago (+7/-0)

☆☆☆☆☆^this

[ - ] Her0n 3 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 13:33:45 ago (+3/-0)

Let him see the texts and let him handle it.

[ - ] Bassman9000 6 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 13:55:23 ago (+6/-0)

I did this once, ruined the friendship, guy then thought I was surely boning his wife.

[ - ] JudyStroyer 3 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 14:39:20 ago (+3/-0)

Problem solved then.

[ - ] deleted 2 points 1 monthMar 6, 2025 17:00:56 ago (+2/-0)

deleted

[ - ] Sector2 5 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:30:03 ago (+5/-0)

The husband is either trying to ignore it, or is okay with it. Throwing it in his face is unlikely to have positive results for OP.

[ - ] PostWallHelena 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 16:21:55 ago (+3/-1)

But OP is not okay with it. It is okay to say “Im not ok with this” if its done in a polite way. He can maintain plausible deniability about the whole “your wife is a whore” thing and just emphasize that he’s uncomfortable socializing with married women. He’s not throwing it in anyone’s face. Theres a way to say this without sounding judgemental. Just say its outside your comfort zone.

Theres also a possibility that the wife is not coming on to him. It does seem suspicious behavior but we are not there to observe it first hand. This is a perfectly reasonable response even if you give the wife the benefit of the doubt. A lot of people will understand that socializing with married people of the opposite sex is considered improper by some, even if its not their own view— without assuming theres an insinuation of infidelelity.

Ive been watching English period dramas today so I feel like Im an expert on propriety rn.

[ - ] Sector2 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 17:38:40 ago (+2/-0)

It would take very careful wording to plausibly pull that off, although I'm not saying it's impossible. Still, the implication of an inappropriate relationship would be at the heart of his new-found aversion. How does he answer when the husband asks what's been going on? His reason clearly implies sexual thoughts about the wife, whether he initiated or not. Then the wives are going to talk, and it could easily become an American contemporary drama.

I'm still thinking his best move is to distance from her in a non-rejection way, and stay out of their marriage.

[ - ] dassar 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 21:06:25 ago (+2/-0)

Either stope responding to her texts or Then tell the wife to quit bugging him, and let her know he thinks its not cool and has the appearance of being inappropriate.

[ - ] deleted 0 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:44:27 ago (+0/-0)

deleted

[ - ] Gowithit 12 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:25:44 ago (+16/-4)

Why are you responding to the texts? How did she even get your number? quit paying attention to her when she runs over. Handle your own.I wouldn't bother telling the husband.

[ - ] WNwoman 9 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:44:39 ago (+10/-1)

My questions exactly. There is no reason for you to have each other’s numbers. And now that that ship has sailed you have no obligation to respond to texts.

[ - ] BoozyB 10 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:23:36 ago (+11/-1)

The ladies are right.
Ignore her ignore the messages and MYOB.
Don't get involved in any way.
A jealous husband may think you initiated it somehow and you're trying to drive them apart for your own interests.

[ - ] Sector2 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:17:03 ago (+2/-0)

The stories you read about this kind of thing often have it backfiring on the 'snitch'. The husband is probably not that oblivious. Stay out of their marriage arrangement.

And break off the texting without making her think you're 'dumping her'.

[ - ] PotatoWhisperer2 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 13:04:27 ago (+2/-0)

There is no reason for you to have each other’s numbers.

Emergencies. That's about it really. If the hubs is away at work or whatever and his friend is close she can call him to handle whatever.

Or maybe the husband trusts her enough to text his friends to set up BBQs, birthday parties, and other social gatherings. Obviously it's misplaced trust in this case though.

[ - ] WNwoman 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 15:47:07 ago (+1/-0)

Nah not even then. His post says this is his friend’s NEIGHBOR. There is no emergency she needs this guy’s number for- she can call the actual neighbor.

[ - ] PotatoWhisperer2 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 20:26:13 ago (+1/-0)

His post says this is his friend’s NEIGHBOR.

Ohhhh, ok. I though it was his friend's wife. My bad. Yeah this makes no sense then.

[ - ] GreatSatan 7 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:06:26 ago (+7/-0)

I wouldn't bother telling the husband.

Of course you wouldn't, you're a woman, the sisterhood before all morals and allegiances. You need to be deported.

[ - ] Gowithit 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:20:19 ago (+3/-2)

What's it going to do? Cause a scene? rumors?

tElL tHe HuSbAnD11111

that's for drama queens you don't get into situations you don't want to get involved in. Op at some point entertained the notion instead of just cutting it off immediately and now is playing victim. Some one save me!!! He can just stop it now and be done with it what is she going to do? Complain that he blocked her number? Yeah right. That would be exposing herself.

[ - ] goatfugee12 [op] 4 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:14:53 ago (+4/-0)

she got my number from our mutual friend under the guise of her wanting to ask me about a lawyer I used years ago.

[ - ] CoronaHoax 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 21:38:58 ago (+1/-0)

Why don’t you just do her

[ - ] CHIRO 4 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 11:07:35 ago (+4/-0)*

This is the right question. I get frustrated when people instigate things like this and then act naive.

All you have to do is either (i) ignore her gestures or (ii) say you aren't comfortable with it.

The exact second she senses you have judged the situation morally, she will go silent. She is probing. If she thinks you threaten her security, she'll be done in two seconds.

The solution for bad male and bad female behavior is a community of people who establish good boundaries. It takes both. Men policing women. Women policing men. They each have their own ways of doing it.

The fact OP is even carrying on with her privately through text is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed (good luck telling most people that today without being labelled a controlling freak), much less doing this in the evening hours when she has told you her husband is away. No woman is even going to reach out to a guy and indicate her husband isn't home at that time of night if she isn't establishing a sexual subtext. Even if you don't escalate but carry on the conversation with her in that context, she is taking it as a sign of interest.

Boundary-setting. It's a conversation people don't have enough. Whether you set a boundary or you DON'T, people interpret something from either of those things. Being a stand-up person isn't about being a "nice guy", it's about boundary-setting.

[ - ] goatfugee12 [op] 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:06:53 ago (+2/-0)

if your spouse was trying to flirt or fuck someone else would you rather know or not, that's the issue here.

I'm single I could fuck this woman raw and I would not have broken any vows, promises, nor contracts. The text are always ambiguous and innocent for the most part. She is smart, she doesn't type anything that could be used as evidence.

[ - ] Gowithit 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:27:03 ago (+1/-0)

I would know. That's the thing. The spouse always knows man woman they always know. I knew when my husband was stepping out and he knew when I was stepping out. You saying it out loud would only allow a show to happen but won't change a thing between them.

For your own good just don't say anything. Ignore it. Are you willing to be shunned from your group? You will not be heralded for your good deed. You will be seen as a gossip and possibly a threat to other couples. Literally just play it cool disengage from her and if she makes a scene about it then it's on her to explain and not you.

Hopefully she did erase any past communications with you so you can stay in the clear.


[ - ] Sector2 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:38:09 ago (+1/-0)

You nailed it. Bringing it up as a topic is unlikely to work out well for OP.

[ - ] goatfugee12 [op] 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:39:13 ago (+1/-0)

damn women really are evil. cheating on your husband cause you assume he is eh? yea the opposite of your advice is the right path.

[ - ] Gowithit 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:44:19 ago (+1/-0)

Both instances happened almost 2 decades apart. There was no assumptions it was known. They both know but have fun feeding in to their game.

Post results.

[ - ] rzr97 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 13:15:52 ago (+1/-0)

Ok, tell the story. 2 decades apart...wow. So who cheated first? Why did you cheat? Just looking for sexual excitement or emotional connection or something else? You say it was known but was it found out, did you tell each other or what. What happened there? Would you say you or he did it because of something the other lacked. Not judging here. Just curious. Relationships that long are hard. I wonder if we're even supposed to be monogamous in that way.

There are instances all over the Internet where men are cheated on and never knew for years so I wouldn't say they know. I would say usually the women know. I wonder what that means. Maybe men are more naturally trusting, lol or more stupid.





[ - ] Gowithit 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 15:18:35 ago (+1/-0)

Him first I suspected I asked he said because I wasn't "fun" anymore his version of fun was getting high and we had a kid I wasn't doing that anymore so he can fuck off with that deal with it.

Fast forward about 18 years later we ended up in a shared household after a bad move and it wasn't about revenge or anything you just can't have unrelated men and women live together. Shit will happen. I told him because the husband was wondering why all of a sudden his friend was being a dick towards him.He said he suspected he just didn't want to believe I would do that.

Both parties know .it's impossible not to.they just ignore it. it's when other people get involved ... I think the explosions and rash decisions are to "save face".


[ - ] rzr97 1 point 1 monthMar 6, 2025 11:39:44 ago (+1/-0)

Were you in your 30s at the time?

[ - ] Gowithit 1 point 1 monthMar 6, 2025 11:45:14 ago (+1/-0)

37-38. oh is that like a thing? in the 30's?

[ - ] rzr97 1 point 1 monthMar 6, 2025 11:51:07 ago (+1/-0)

I don't know if others think so but I do. Eggs getting older. Getting close to perimenopause. I'd bet your husband saw you as more pure and wholesome and it hurt him to his core. If you're still married, I'd watch out now...but who knows. In general I'd say men cheat more when they are younger and women when they are older.

I could be totally wrong. Just a silly theory.

[ - ] rzr97 1 point 1 monthMar 6, 2025 15:14:44 ago (+1/-0)

By the way, he didn't cheat because you weren't "fun". He just wanted something different. It had nothing to do with you. Just letting you know so you don't think any bullshit like that is actually true. That was just his excuse.

[ - ] big_fat_dangus -1 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 16:05:12 ago (+0/-1)

Made for the streets 🤮🤮🤮

[ - ] aboutime 8 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:04:55 ago (+8/-0)

Tell her that you have AIDS

[ - ] 1point21jiggawatts 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 14:08:43 ago (+1/-0)

[ - ] ilikeskittles 7 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:16:18 ago (+9/-2)

Is she hot? If so, bang the shit out of her. But not at her house, get a hotel.

[ - ] hylo 15 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:46:04 ago (+16/-1)

And tape it, then you'll have the proof you need to help your friend. He will be angry at first but will appreciate it in the long run.

[ - ] PostWallHelena 4 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:49:14 ago (+6/-2)

You guys are terrible!

[ - ] goatfugee12 [op] 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:18:39 ago (+1/-0)

she's hot for 37. for a 37 year old she's 7/10, compared to all women she's 5/10

[ - ] big_fat_dangus 0 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 16:08:01 ago (+0/-0)

That's well past the wall dude, I would not take even the slightest risk to get involved in any of that.

You may as well have been hit on by a sign pole or a stray dog.

[ - ] Sal_180 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:41:51 ago (+3/-2)

Don't shit on your own doorstep

[ - ] DrLeoMarvin 6 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:30:24 ago (+6/-0)

You answered your own question.
Tell the guy that his wife called you at 11pm to hang out and that you want her to stop. Just say that and say nothing more.
That will sew enough doubt in his mind about his wife, and she will be kicked to the curb where she belongs.

[ - ] Reawakened 5 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:14:05 ago (+5/-0)

You'll just piss your friend off. Until she actually makes a move, you got nothing but suspicion.

[ - ] goatfugee12 [op] 0 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:17:27 ago (+1/-1)

yea part of me wants to let it get just to the cusp of infidelity then hand him the evidence

[ - ] Jimmycrackerson 4 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:44:36 ago (+4/-0)*

I definitely wouldn't go that far. Women are always the victim and nothing is their fault. And we still very much live in a "always believe women" world.

If she gets caught. She will spend hours lying on social media, convincing everyone she knows that you initiated everything and you are the bad guy. And they will believe her.

[ - ] Sector2 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:43:44 ago (+2/-0)

You're already way too compromised. Stay out of their marriage and break it off with her.

[ - ] Leveraction 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 11:53:42 ago (+1/-0)

No, now you are playing with fire and YOU WILL get burnt

[ - ] jsac 5 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:31:22 ago (+5/-0)

drop an anon hint somehow for him to check his wifes phone..... that should fix it.

edit: bro code bud... dont ignore it, yet dont get involved.. hence the anon tip.

[ - ] goatfugee12 [op] 0 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:16:05 ago (+0/-0)

she is much smarter than him, I doubt she leaves evidence.

[ - ] jsac 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:45:24 ago (+1/-0)

so at least youll have triggered his radar.

[ - ] Anus_Expander 5 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 09:39:55 ago (+5/-0)

On your deathbed, you will regret not hittin it. Ream her holes every chance you get, she's beggin for it.

[ - ] VitaminSieg 5 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:49:24 ago (+5/-0)

You think her husband doesn't have something of his own going on when he's away on business?
You'll ruin everyone's relationships if you try to play superhero. Mind your own business. This is not your business. Don't make it your business.

[ - ] goatfugee12 [op] 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:14:17 ago (+1/-0)

i have wondered if they have an open marriage or some shit and just don't want our mutual friends to know. Because her husband treats me very strangely.

[ - ] albatrosv15 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 14:57:43 ago (+1/-0)

Strangely you say?

[ - ] goatfugee12 [op] 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 16:51:56 ago (+1/-0)

like tries to hard to get to know me better. literally takes me on beer runs and shit instead of leaving me with his wife. also he tries real hard to 1 up me on anything.

[ - ] oyveyo 3 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:53:28 ago (+3/-0)

"I'm fairly certain your woman is a ho."

[ - ] ModernGuilt 3 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:05:52 ago (+4/-1)

See if you can setup a threesome. Then it's not awkward

[ - ] JoggerLogger 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:44:56 ago (+2/-0)

but you know in an alternate timeline somewhere the cooler version of you is sending her a dick pic.

[ - ] Clubberlang 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 11:27:17 ago (+2/-0)

@greensaint your thoughts?

[ - ] Leveraction 3 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 11:54:35 ago (+3/-0)

Greensaint would want to know if she has a cat first before it goes any further

[ - ] Clubberlang 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 11:25:34 ago (+2/-0)

Should have never got involved with her drama in the 1st place.

Cut off all communication immediately.

Come clean and inform the guy of her activity with you immediately.

Learn from your mistakes and stay away from drama hoes.

Start learning a trade or a hobby. You'll attract a better caliber of women.

[ - ] CoronaHoax 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 11:37:59 ago (+2/-0)

Direct proof? My lord man look at what you've wrote here!

[ - ] GreenSaint 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 13:46:44 ago (+2/-0)

Your friend is gonna choose her over you. Watch it happen. Happened to me. Even though I turned her down and he caught her cheating. Just wait you’ll see

[ - ] Doglegwarrior 2 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 14:50:28 ago (+2/-0)

You need to get a recorder on your phone and go over there fuck her hard and good when you are about to cum jam it up her ass while chocking her...

The next day say don't ever contact me again about sex I'm going to act like it didn't happen if I think you are cheating I will send the video to your husband stop being a whore

[ - ] BloodyComet 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 10:52:03 ago (+1/-0)

You have proof. Send him your entire text conversation log- this will show the nature of how you spoke to her. If you weren't encouraging her, the husband shouldn't be angry with you, and you've done him a solid.

Ignore the females saying "don't say anything", this is what they'll always default to, because they need other females to cover for their own cheating.

[ - ] Eliack 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 11:18:47 ago (+1/-0)

Unless she's seriously bothering you, just wait until she steps out of line too much and then send that proof to the guy. Else he might not fully believe, or not take serious action at the very least.

[ - ] Leveraction 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 11:48:37 ago (+1/-0)*

Whew, you need to stay far away from this feeemale. The shit will hit the fan soon enough and you don't want to be there when it does. Guessing the husband has some suspicion of something going on

[ - ] PoundOfFlesh 0 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 19:51:14 ago (+0/-0)

Husband could also be a cuck. For all we know she's been riding the cock carousel and OP is next in line.

[ - ] Crackinjokes 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 12:46:36 ago (+1/-0)

Don't.

You will be hated for being the one to break the news if correct.

If wrong you will be hated and can be sued.

[ - ] registereduser 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 13:04:44 ago (+1/-0)

Show him the text. Tell him she's a god damn whore slut, politely or not, tell him.

If he already knows, no harm done. If he doesn't, you are a stand up guy doing him a huge favor.

[ - ] boekanier 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 13:15:16 ago (+1/-0)

Ignore the horny bitch

[ - ] Indoctrinated_USA 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 16:22:56 ago (+1/-0)

You don't.
Mind your own.

[ - ] PoundOfFlesh 0 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 19:50:27 ago (+0/-0)

It is OP's business, though. The horny wife is texting him.

He's already involved whether he likes it or not.

[ - ] 3Whuurs 1 point 1 monthMar 5, 2025 22:41:18 ago (+1/-0)

1st things 1st, you need to know she’s going to accuse you of SA or whatever secures her the victim card, the second she thinks you’re going to tell him.

In my opinion, in that scenario, the best way to brace a man for that news, is tell him about how she’s about to financially screw him, and how to protect his assets. It helps him conceptualize the scenario beyond just the hurt of a whore stepping out on him.

Then show him everything you have on her so far, and call her right in front of him and offer to hook up, to expose her.

That or go throw a bag of blow in her car and anon call the cops on her when she leaves the house..

[ - ] WhatColorIsYourTigerCage 0 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 08:59:20 ago (+2/-2)

Read him Proverbs 7

[ - ] PoundOfFlesh 0 points 1 monthMar 5, 2025 13:23:12 ago (+0/-0)

Bring it up with your friend first and show him the texts. Maybe your buddy can help you break the news to his neighbor instead of you doing it directly.

Ignoring the issue won't make it go away, and if you wait too long the wife will accuse YOU of trying to get her to cheat. By that point the proof you have on your phone won't matter to them.