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Washington, DC- Kurt Fellows (67), is being held by the Secret Service at an undisclosed location after a shipment containing close to 1000 previously used sex toys (dildos) arrived at the Whitehouse on Valentine’s Day addressed to President Biden. The letter attached to the shipment said, “Happy Valentine’s Day Sleepy Joe. Since you like to fuck all of us, why don’t you go fuck yourself?”.

While sending an unsolicited shipment of dildos to the President is grounds for arrest, not to mention a possible health concern, the addition of the letter (which for reasons of national security cannot be fully disclosed to the public at this time), put Kurt Fellows at the top of the todo list for the Secret Service. Federal agents went to Kurt Fellows’ Montana ranch and arrested him without incident.