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With all the tunnel shit in New York going on, my autistic brain was inspired to write a new episode for Seinfield. I've only got the intro stand up and opening scene, but hey, it's a start.


Jerry Seinfield on stage

“So, whats the go with this Hamas? They are not made of chickpeas and grounding them up into paste takes a bit more firepower.

These pesky imps keep throwing rocks at our armoured vehicles, making small dents, some scratches. Absolute pain in the ass. One things for certain, they’re either extremely optimistic or incredibly stupid, right? I mean, what do they expect will happen? They throw a rock we throw a missile. One’s just slightly more effective than the other.”

Jerry watching TV in apartment. News talking about Israeli strikes on the hospital, claiming tunnels underneath.

Jerry: “Huh, that’s a nice tunnel. I bet they outsourced it.”

Buzzer

George gets buzzed in.

Jerry looks back at the TV “Yeah, there’s no way a goy built that”

George enters

George “Unbelievable. You wouldn’t believe it. Not in a 1000 years.”

Jerry “Fine, I won’t believe you. Whatever you say hence forth is absolutely not believable”

George glances at Jerry for a second

George “My mother…. My mother…. Wants to bring forward the ceremony…. Bringing it forward, of all things… wants to bring the ceremony forward to this FRIDAY!”

Jerry “You’re right! I don’t believe you”

George “Come on Jerry, I’m serious. She’s been watching too much goy programming and is scared out of her skin that the next “MAJOR PANDEMIC” will get her….I could only wish”

Jerry “Doesn’t she know that we made that whole thing up? I mean, you told her right?”

George “A million times.” George mocking his mother “Don’t forget to wear a mask, and wash your hands, face and feet before coming in.” George in his own voice “Oh and the tests Jerry, the TESTS” George mocking voice “And don’t forget to swab your nose, eye and anus George.”

Jerry perplexed asks “How would she know if you did or didn’t swab your butt George”

George “You don’t wanna ask”

George glances at the TV “Huh, nice tunnel.”

Jerry “It is, isn’t it”

George “No way a goy built that”

Jerry “That’s what I said!”

George “So, Friday is..” counts on fingers “4 days away. 4 DAYS Jerry.”

Jerry “yes it is. only 3 sleeps”

George “You HAVE got a goy child in stock Jerry. Please tell me you’ve got one in stock”

Jerry looks pensive “Well…”

George “No…. Nooooo…..NO Jerry! We’ve only got 4 days!”

Jerry “3 sleeps”

George half whines “Why don’t you have the sacrifice already Jerry?”

Jerry “Well, my next gig was going to be in a high White population area. I was gonna do a bit of light White shopping whilst there”

George “That’s a bit last minute”

Jerry “So is bringing the ceremony forward to 4 days from now”

George head in his hands, replies solemnly “3 sleeps”

Enter Kramer

Kramer “Hey whats going on?”

Jerry “Ah, nothing really. Georges mother wants to have a Jewish ceremony on Friday, and we weren’t really prepared for it”

George mutters in bewilderment “3 sleeps”

Kramer “jewish ceremony? Sounds fun. Can I come”

George and Jerry glance at each other.

George “It’s not really a goyim thing. More of a strictly... jewish ceremony”

Kramer “Ah come on. I won’t cause any fuss. And you sounded upset George. Maybe I could help. You know, prepare some snacks. Bring some drinks. Make that ceremony just to die for”

George and Jerry glance at each other again

Jerry “Well, it would free up more time to get that.. ah… main course”

buzz – Jerry buzzes Elaine in

Kramer “yeah! I can help. I’m always helping people. I’m a helpful kind of guy. What do you say George?”

George “I don’t know”

Elaine enters

Elaine “ What don’t you know?”

Kramer “ If he’ll let me go to this ceremony on Friday.”

Elaine “Friday? What ceremony on Friday? What’s he talking about?”

Jerry “Georges mother wants to bring it forward to Friday”

Elaine laughs “But that’s like, 4 days away”

George “3 Sleeps”

Elaine “At least Jerry’s prepared right. He’s got …” looks at Kramer “… the main course already sorted right?”

Jerry “Wellllll…”

Elaine pushes Jerry “Get out! You don’t have it organised yet”

Jerry “I had a gig coming up, out of town, and thought it would be nice to bring back something from there”

Elaine “trying to impress at the last minute huh?”

Kramer “Come on Georgie. It really sounds like you need my help”

George “Alright, alright fine. I’ll make you a list of the things we need. If you get all of those ready before Friday, you can come”

Kramer claps his hands “yes! Not a problem at all. I’ve got this in the bag.”

George starts to write a list on the kitchen bench

George mutters to himself “Bag? Hmm. Yeah, gonna need a few trash bags”

Elaine “Hang on, wait a minute. When did Kramer become a shabbos goy?”

Kramer “a what?”

Jerry “Well, technically…”

Elaine “No! You wouldn’t!”

Kramer “What? What wouldn’t he do?”

Elaine “I can’t believe you Jerry! This, this I’d expect from George, but you?”

George “I’m still here, you know”

Jerry “It only just happened! George and I were talking and Kramer offered to help”

Elaine “unbelievable”

Jerry “yes, entirely not believable”

George glances up from the counter

Kramer “So, whats the issue?”

Elaine “Normally for g…. er I mean non jewish people to come to one of these, they have to fully participate in the… event. But you’ll know a bit more about that before Friday, because you know, you have that handbook right?”

Kramer “Handbook? What handbook is she talking about Jerry”

Jerry and George exchange glances

Elaine “Are you serious? He hasn’t even seen the handbook yet?”

Kramer asks confused “I need a handbook to go to a party?”

George “ceremony”

Kramer “what is it, very formal or something”

Elaine “Very formal”

Kramer “so, I’ll need a 3 piece suit? That’s fine. I’ve got half a dozen of those.”

Elaine “What? Why would you need a half a dozen suits”

Kramer “my buddy, at the mortuary, usually has left over suits. You know the suits that the dead guys don’t wear for their dirt nap. so he lets me come and take my pick when someone my size checks into his dead guy motel”

all 3 jews glance approvingly at each other

Jerry “Frugal”

George “morbid”

Elaine “a complete lack of care for the departed. Hmmm you know what Kramer? I think you’ll fit right in”

Kramer exclaims “boo ya!” as he punches into the air “So, I can come yeah?”

Elaine “Yeah, sure.” Elaine turns to Jerry. “Jerry. Handbook”

Jerry leaves the room and returns with a small book

Kramer reads the title “A Shabbos goy is a good goy”

Kramer looks around “whats a goy?”

Elaine seductively says “You are. But if you read and agree to everything in this book, you’ll be a Shabbos goy”

Elaine pinches then slaps Kramers cheek

Kramer excitedly gasps “A good goy”

George hands Kramer the list.

George “Here, we need this all to be ready for Friday morning. We’ll call you with the address later”

Kramer proudly proclaims “No problem George. You can count on me. I’ll be a good goy”

Kramer leaves

George “Well that’s one less thing to….. ah no.”

Jerry “What now?”

George “If we have to initiate a new shabbos goy, then we need to get the camera, tripod and lights”

Jerry “So? They’re stored on site”

George “Did you forget Jerry? Oh, how easy you forget!”

Jerry “What? Whats’ the problem?”

Elaine laughingly remembers “Ohhhhh. Yeah. that’s right”

Jerry “What? What?”

George exacerbated “You broke the tripod! That last time we used it. You thought it would be funny to beat that last goy to death with it”

Jerry “Oh yeah… come on, he was a cameraman! You can’t let irony like that pass you by.”

Elaine “Didn’t you say that you’re uncle Leo has the same tripod?”

Jerry “ah no, no I don’t believe I did”

George “yeah... you did! You said something about it feeling better to be on the other end of it for once”

Jerry looks at George

George “you’re gonna have to invite Leo and ask him for the tripod”

Jerry protests “no, no, you know he’s just going to ruin the whole thing”

George “We don’t have a choice Jerry”

Elaine “He’s right, you don’t”

Jerry “Fine, I’ll call him this afternoon”

George “Good, make sure you do. Now where are we going to get the goy child from?”

Elaine “You could just take the tunnel to the orphanage”

George “is it still open?”

Elaine “yeah, I snuck in and helped a shishka with an abortion last week. It was delicious”

Jerry “nice”

George “Alright, I’ll head over tonight. It’s all coming together. We’re gonna do this Jerry, we’re gonna do this”

George leaves

Elaine glances at the TV “Huh, that’s a well built tunnel”

Jerry raises his two hands into the air in agreement

Bass line transition