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Are you fucking kidding?

If not, here's what you do:

1. Discover your body's maintenance calorie needs. Google "maintenance calorie calculator". Pick one, or use a few and take an average. You'll put in your height and weight as well as your level of physical activity, though I suggest putting physical activity at "little or none" to better symbolize your body's base rate of calorie requirement.

It will spit out a number. Let's say 2000 calories.

II. Now that you know your maintenance calories, you need to make a McFucking choice.

IIa: "I want gainz"

To acquire gains, it is recommended that you eat around 200-500 calories in surplus of your maintenance calorie requirement. Taking our example of 2000, you want about 2200-2500 calories consumed each day. Repeat until desired results are attained.

IIb. "I wanna stop being a fatass"

To acquire human body shape as opposed to planetoid, it is recommended that you eat at least 200-500 calories less than your current maintenance rate. Repeat until desired results are attained.

II-Addendum: It is recommended in either case a or b to maintain proper protein intake. General rule of thumb is 1g (1 gram) of protein per pound of bodyweight. Grilled chicken and fish are excellent, but certainly not the only, good sources of protein.

II-Addendum-2: When gaining weight and building mass, ensure you weigh yourself at least once a week in the morning before consuming any food/drinks. As your body changes, so too will your caloric maintenance requirements. Muscle burns more calories the more you have, so be sure to remember your base 2000 now may be base 2500 in the future. Instead of eating 2500 calories a day, you will need 3000 to maintain your gains. If you do not, your body will merely enter maintenance mode and never gain or lose muscle.

When losing weight, aim for 1% of bodyweight lost a week, or no more than 2lbs. per week. It is generally not recommended to attempt to lose more than this as you risk your health and slowing progress. Cutting calories too hard and fast will throw your body into starvation mode and it will attempt to hold on to what it can and may actually slow fat loss and even incur muscle loss, as muscle is a greater source of energy than fat stores.

#Three: Progressive overload is key. Your body MUST have a proper stimulus to instigate the growth process. If you are new, adding 5lbs. a week to major lifts such as the bench, squat, or deadlift is a good goal. However, you may find that you can go higher. If you can, do so. At some point you will plateau. This is normal. You may take a week or two to deload, use less weight and do more repetitions for a bit, or simply focus on adding repetitions with your plateau weight, which will eventually push you up into your next milestone.

#ThreeA: Put simply, progress each week in either weight or repetitions. Not only this, but realize not all exercises are the same. You do not need to be lateral raising +5lbs. each week. You will either hurt yourself or not have a range of motion greater than or equal to 5 inches from the hip. Don't be a dumbass.

#ThreeB: If you find yourself lost as to where you should be pertaining to weight for a given exercise, I recommend using "strengthlevel.com". You can compare where you are at to others, and get a good feel of where you are and what you perhaps should be doing given a percentage of your one rep max.

F 4 u r : Sets and reps. For strength, 5 sets of 3-5 repetitions is sufficient. For hypertrophy (muscle growth), 3-4 sets of 6-12 repetitions is sufficient. Do note that individuals are different and respond differently to different set and rep ranges. Personally, I've been experimenting with 3 sets of 5 reps for bigger movements and find it to my liking. I am still waiting for a bit to determine if I am satisfied with the results, as I've only returned to exercise this week after a 2 month break to take care of my shoulders and forearm, which were developing issues.

F 4 u r Bee: Percentages. strengthstandard.com is good for this, but typically when training for strength you want to use 80%-90% of your 1 rep max. If you can't calculate it, learn how now. For hypertrophy, a general recommended range I've seen is 65%-80% of your 1 rep maximum. For warming up, I would recommend no more than 30% of your 1 rep max. Do a high number of reps for one set, perhaps go for a short jog, just a few minutes, get your body ready. Failure to warm up will ensure injury down the line and also ensure penalties enforced by the Panzerkampfwagen VI "Tiger" 231. Do not fuck with Tiger 231. Oh, and your mother will think you're a little bitch.

No.5: If you have any questions or concerns, please contact me at my inbox or in a reply to this comment. After a solid berating for daring to question me, I will do my damnedest to ensure you have the information you require. Do note I am presently at work and may not reply in some time. Thank you for your chicanery.

Eat and sleep more,it is the best(and easiest) thing to do. You do not need roids at all, especially so soon. When you come off them you wont have learned anything about programming and what works for you because anything will work when you do roids. You'll also shrink, the numbers will go down and the desire to lift wont be there.

You risk having to cruise the rest of your lifting career/life which means you'll definitely blast once or twice a year. This is where all health risks come into play.

Post your routine please.

You have to eat more than normal too

it takes a year to see real gains

You are good at guzzling jizz. Just to more of that.

No

Yes.

Vanity is feminine

If you can't naturally do something it will take unnatural means to attain and keep it.

I detect a manlet.

PLEASE PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF HUMAN WHITENESS, CEASE WITH THE POSTS, THEY'RE AN AFFRONT TO THE EDUCATED BASE THAT PRIDES ITSELF ON IT'S COMMAND OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE...ALL OF YOUR POSTS ARE GRAMMATICALLY TAINTED AND BORDERLINE ILLEGIBLE...you're not by any chance Gretta Thunderbug are you?