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Wear opposums

I've had ticks hitch a ride on me several times, but I never got bitten.

Then, one night about a year ago, I took off my shirt to go to bed, and saw something odd on my chest (upper left near my shoulder). I tried to flick it off, thinking it was some dirt (hoping it was dirt) - but it didn't flick.

My blood immediately ran cold.

I'm not afraid of creepy crawlies (except for spiders). Normally a bug gets on me, and it's no big deal. One flick and it's gone. Ask me about the chiggers episode some time. But something about this was different. I knew what this was.

And it was inside me.

I. Lost. My. Mind.

Got some tweezers, and very shakily I tried to pull the tick out. It would not come. So I pulled harder.

And then it broke. The tick fucking broke.

At that moment I nearly lost consciousness. Thoughts of Lyme disease and all kinds of horrible things flew through my head. I started truly freaking out.

I could see part of the tick still in me. So I tried grabbing at it with the tweezers. It didn't want to come out. So I grabbed harder and harder and harder until I was pulling chunks of skin off. It didn't hurt. Adrenaline is a hell of a thing.

I dug. And I dug. And I dug.

It didn't bleed as much as I thought it would. My wife came in, saw me digging IN TO MY SKIN and nearly puked.

She told me to calm down, put some alcohol and anti-septic on it, and go to bed. Listening to reason, I did.

I think I got all of that tick out. I hope I did. The hole in my shoulder hurt like a bitch for about a week after, and now I have a neat divot in my skin there. And apparently I didn't get Lyme. At least I think I didn't.

A lot of you are going to think I'm some kind of pussy. Well about this, maybe I am, and I'm man enough to admit to this. But I'd never had a bug bore in to me and not want to let go. It was a very weird psychological feeling. Scared me to death.

The next day I described the event to my best friend. He's hunted all his life. His response: "You idiot. Put some Vaseline on it, wait five minutes, and the tick crawls out." I felt so stupid. Well, live and learn.

Guinea fowl; if you can tolerate their noise.

Rub Ben gay on your balls

Don't stand in one place too long if you're somewhere they may be.
On several occasions I've caught one trying to get to me on the ground, and they move faster than you'd expect.

Carry an alarm clock that only tocks. The ticks and tocks will cancel each other out.