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I just had the “I fucked up dad moment” five minutes after my wife went out for an errand

submitted by Native to whatever 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 12:42:41 ago (+7/-1)     (whatever)

My wife needed to leave the house for an errand and before she left I was berated by her to watch the baby.

we will be fine I said
you HAVE to watch her
yes yes I said while drinking a beer

She leaves and I decide to show native baby some laminated flash cards, she really like the balloon one so I gave it to her. I get on the tv and see if pewdiepie has a new video. Meanwhile she is happily holding the card and playing with it.

I start the pewdiepie video and ignore my child because she is happy in my arms. I look down five minutes later and she ATE half the flash card!!!

I panic grab it from her and throw away the evidence, meanwhile there is printer paper all over her face.

Wife comes home

how was she?
great I say

Baby is ok. Will not tell wife for a few days

What’s your best I fucked up dad moment?


47 comments block

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[ - ] SirNiggsalot 10 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 12:50:50 ago (+10/-0)

First time watching my first born , wife goes to pt job. The baby is maybe 2 . I'm on the phone , turn around see the baby on the floor , hands up to her neck. I drop the phone pick her up , she's not breathing !

I pick her up , bend her face towards floor , do like a Heimlich manuever , nothing , do it again nothing. There's a hospital about 5 min away , I think , if it don't come out this time I'll throw her in the car and fly to the hospital. Last try , hit her between shoulder blades , a fucking dime comes flying out of her mouth.

I hadn't felt terror like that before .

Told the wife never to leave me alone with the baby ever again.

[ - ] Native [op] 5 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 12:57:46 ago (+5/-0)

Wow that’s bad ass smart thinking

Yeah I’m thinking after this I am not to be trusted

[ - ] zr855 1 point 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:49:07 ago (+1/-0)

They have small throats. My daughter full stop choked at the dinner table when she was little and nothing worked. I put my index and middle finger in her throat and pulled out a chunk of unchewed chicken. Of course this wouldn't work if it had been further down the larynx. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQm5RCz9Pxc

[ - ] Spaceman84 1 point 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:54:23 ago (+1/-0)

Buy a LifeVac or DeCHOKER. They work well.

[ - ] Luminometer 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 18:15:04 ago (+0/-0)

Ive had to do this with both of mine, not fun.

[ - ] FluffyBunnySlippers 2 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 19:44:48 ago (+2/-0)

You want to make sure your first go at the Heimlich maneuver is not half assed. You want all the air in there you can to pop it out. If you’ve got to do it get it the first time. I had to pop my kid a few times eating too big of bites

[ - ] Native [op] 0 points 2.1 yearsApr 6, 2022 06:52:04 ago (+0/-0)

How old was she? My wife keeps feeding my daughter more adult food and I’m so paranoid of this happening.

Fun fact, my Russian grandmother was so paranoid of choking hazards she would wait till my ice cream was half melted before she would let me eat
It

[ - ] HomerChimpson 0 points 2.1 yearsMar 27, 2022 08:00:10 ago (+0/-0)

This is exactly how you handle that.

I once had to heimlich menuever my kid when she was 3 or 4, even though I caught it instantly and it came out first try, it's still a terrifying experience.

[ - ] deleted 5 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:37:03 ago (+5/-0)

deleted

[ - ] eongoat 5 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:23:47 ago (+5/-0)

gotta think like a baby. "...Oh a new thing. What do I do with it. I'm hungry, lets try eating it...."

[ - ] OldGoat 5 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:20:11 ago (+5/-0)

Sorry dude but are you seriously that scared of your wife?

[ - ] SparklingWiggle 4 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:46:05 ago (+4/-0)

My son was two. I was bouncimg on our trampoline with him, double-bounced by accident. He folded in half in a very unnatural way. He look dead and paralyzed. Only had the wind knocked out of him. Wouldn't get on the trampoline wity my kids ever again.

[ - ] heygeorge 4 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:33:21 ago (+4/-0)

She’s gonna catch you when she changes the diaper.

[ - ] Native [op] 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:35:28 ago (+3/-0)

I know...baby pooped but it’s not the flash card poop. And I don’t change poopy diapers, so that will be fun a fun conversation hah

[ - ] heygeorge 2 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 14:45:09 ago (+2/-0)

You should consider to give Mrs. Native a heads up so she doesn’t freak out.

[ - ] Cunty 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 27, 2022 04:15:01 ago (+0/-0)

You need to man up where poop and your wife are concerned!.

Thats your flesh and blood faggit.

[ - ] Yargiyankooli 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 20:55:42 ago (+3/-0)

You are a dad, watching pewdiepie. Some shit is beyond my comprehension at this point

[ - ] HonkyMcNiggerSpic 4 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 12:45:19 ago (+4/-0)

I had my grandbaby(17m) sitting on my desk, while I was sitting in my chair, and she almost fell off to the floor but luckily I'm faster than a ninja and caught her.

[ - ] Native [op] 5 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 12:49:44 ago (+5/-0)

Can’t trust babies

[ - ] natehiggers 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 12:47:26 ago (+0/-0)

Damn grandpa, you got some reflexes.

[ - ] Shitstartercarter 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 16:33:07 ago (+3/-0)

When I was about 3 or 4 my babysitter ran into the house to grab something quick and I though it was a great idea to hope into the drivers seat of the car and play racecar like in the arcade or chuckecheese. Catch 22 for young me was that the only thing holding the car up was that it was in gear no emergency break engaged. I start flipping car switches and eventually yank it out of gear car starts rolling, I panic hop out and get run over my ass from the front tires as it rolled backwards.

Damn as infants and young kids we all did stuff that could have easily killed us. I know there's s9meone watching out for me and I pray and thank them often in my adult life.

[ - ] Native [op] 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 20:01:41 ago (+0/-0)

Good story

[ - ] con77 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:30:55 ago (+3/-0)

My twin and I ate crickets.we were quick. No one could stop us. Thankfully we grew out of it.

[ - ] Native [op] 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:36:07 ago (+3/-0)

I ate a worm in my middle school science class for 5$ and failed the class

[ - ] SparklingWiggle 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:44:21 ago (+3/-0)

What kind of worm? No, wait. I'm afraid of the answer.

[ - ] con77 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 15:53:13 ago (+3/-0)

Middle school? I say Gawd Dayum son you should have known better by then! It's probably still in you! Get some Ivermectin.

[ - ] Native [op] 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 19:59:53 ago (+0/-0)

Bwaha ha I was bored and wanted a soda and snacks after class.

[ - ] bobdole9 1 point 2.2 yearsMar 27, 2022 01:31:31 ago (+1/-0)

Hope she had teeth, otherwise there's an interesting diaper change in your future.

[ - ] noonefromnowhere 0 points 2.1 yearsMar 27, 2022 12:07:27 ago (+0/-0)

Maybe if you stopped drinking liquid estrogen you'd be less of a pathetic little bitch who's afraid of a woman.

[ - ] Her0n -1 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 12:45:53 ago (+0/-1)

She could end up with a blockage and need surgery to remove it if you don’t act in time.

I hope this is a troll

[ - ] Gowithit 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 14:08:52 ago (+3/-0)

Kids eat paper I swallowed one of those hook nails( like the kind to hang plants) when I was a kid because we were playing captain hook when we were supposed to be sleeping and my older sister ( babysitter) came in with a weapon I don't remember if it was a spoon ,hanger or fly swatter but it was one of those so I put it in my mouth to hide it and accidently swallowed.

One emergency trip later and they told my parents " she'll poop it out" I was scared I would look in the toilet but never saw it.

[ - ] 11hrr 1 point 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 18:01:38 ago (+1/-0)

That means it's probably still inside you...

[ - ] Her0n -1 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 14:25:50 ago (+1/-2)

Don’t worry everyone! OPs negligence is OK due to this anecdotal evidence!

Nah, he fucked up and should feel bad for it.

[ - ] bosunmoon 1 point 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 22:21:03 ago (+1/-0)

Your kid is going to be weak.

[ - ] Her0n 0 points 2.1 yearsMar 27, 2022 08:02:51 ago (+0/-0)

I was unaware that our true power is unlocked by eating paper as an infant.

[ - ] Native [op] 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 12:50:41 ago (+0/-0)

It wasn’t half the card just a quarter. She pooped

[ - ] Her0n 3 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 13:19:20 ago (+6/-3)

My point remains valid. Your child was endangered because you were drinking and watching youtube.

Grow up, stop being a negligent nigger

[ - ] yesiknow 1 point 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 14:32:42 ago (+1/-0)

Do you even have kids or interact with any alone? Shit happens and parents cope with it as it arises. He didn't say it was his 3rd beer, and people live their lives with the kids along.

The perfection of internet you must hurt

[ - ] Epictetus 2 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 20:20:03 ago (+2/-0)

I've got a fifth kid on the way. At this point I just let them eat dirt while I have a beer in the hammock.

[ - ] yesiknow 1 point 2.2 yearsMar 27, 2022 03:51:59 ago (+1/-0)

You'll raise self sufficient and resourceful adults that way, and no one wants that.

[ - ] Her0n 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 17:04:09 ago (+1/-1)

I have a five month old. He hasn’t had anything like this happen, we don’t drink and watch youtube videos either. You can try to use his fuck up to help you cope with your own, but we both know that this incident was avoidable. I mean beer and youtube? Seriously? Don’t be mad at me because I value my child more than yeast piss and pewdiepie.

[ - ] yesiknow 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 17:45:43 ago (+1/-1)

And a the neighbors bow as you walk by, and get your advice on child rearing daily. Yeah it's amazing how common you are, and how much of a fantasy you live in. How far the stick goes up your ass only you know.

[ - ] Her0n 0 points 2.1 yearsMar 27, 2022 08:08:28 ago (+0/-0)

I don’t have neighbors.

If you think this simple concept of watching your kid when it’s your turn to watch them is a “higher than thou” attitude then maybe you shouldn’t have kids at all. We need a lot more of us but I’d rather they be quality people with good habits learned from their parents.

When I decided to become a father I knew I’d be taking on a mentor role and have my every move observed. Also a five month old should be constantly watched, YouTube and beer be damned.

Not watching your kid is a form of niggerism and I don’t abide that from people who claim the same creed as myself.

[ - ] yesiknow 0 points 2.1 yearsMar 27, 2022 13:18:54 ago (+0/-0)

You actually think your opinion about child rearing matters to anyone. You don't have neighbours because you'd be peering inside their windows.

[ - ] Her0n 0 points 2.1 yearsMar 27, 2022 20:43:44 ago (+0/-0)

I don’t have any neighbors because I bought a few acres of undeveloped land and expanded that by a few acres more.

I don’t trust any of you fuckers when your supply of goyimfeed “runs out”. I have family who live on sight with me, they agree with me that OP fucked up and that it isn’t funny. We value life because we aren’t porch monkeys or foreskin munchers.

My opinion matters to me, and that’s all I care about. Why should I care about your opinion? I’m here to see how much of a fool people like you will make of themselves, and to impart wisdom about homesteading, homeschooling, electrical engineering, and carpentry.

Would you like to learn a useful skill, or would you like to keep trying to goad me?

[ - ] Native [op] 0 points 2.2 yearsMar 26, 2022 20:03:24 ago (+1/-1)

Wait another 6months and think back on this conversation

[ - ] Her0n 0 points 2.1 yearsMar 27, 2022 08:03:53 ago (+0/-0)

I still won’t be drinking or watching pewdiepie in six months. And when I watch my kid I will still be actually watching him.