This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example, HOLY SHIT YANKEE ROSE IS JUST THE NAME OF A CHEESY NIGHTCLUB SONG LAVEY PLAYED AT ONE OF HIS FEW ACTUAL JOBS. IT MEANS FUCKING NOTHING!!!1
LaVeyan Satanism is replete with lists of maxims and catchy bits of dogma, much like another cult that claims to glorify individuality and self-determination but only produces inhuman homogeneity and conformist drones.
The Nine Satanic StatementsSatan represents indulgence instead of abstinence! - Translation: Rape everything.Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams! - It's why they charge $100 to join their church. It's so you know you vitally exist.Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit! - Because slavishly adhering to the dictates set down by a fucking dead guy is the exact opposite of what Christianity espouses.Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates! - So let's abolish welfare, except when Anton LaVey needs it because the membership fees dried up.Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek! - And when they read this page, you'd better believe they will take down ED.Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires! - Holding rituals in which a guy wearing a Nazi outfit drinks a cup of blood off of an altar that is really a naked loli and then tries to summon Zalgo is a generous definition of "responsible."Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development," has become the most vicious animal of all! - Sound ideas. As a personal philosophy, Social Darwinism is time-tested and vindicated by history.Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification! - Finally, a religion where you can drown in guro, lolicon, and shitting dick nipples all day and night without feeling bad about it. Actually, had LaVey ever been to /b/ (or visited Japan) he might have rethought this one.Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years! - Hey, at least the Catholic Church is in business.[1]The Eleven Satanic Rules of the EarthDo not give opinions or advice unless you are asked. - Unless you're Anton LaVey. Then you can fill whole books with them.Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them. - Then someone please explain why there are so many fucking Satanists with LiveJournals.When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there. - This doesn't quite sound so hardcore if you put it the same way your mom did: "If you can't say anything nice..."If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy. - A Satanist will totally defriend, block, and ban you, hide your comments, and flag you as spam. Without mercy.Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal. - A moot point for the majority of Satanists. Since giving the mating signal is itself a sexual advance, this means the only satanists having sex are ignoring rule 5. Unless this rule applies only to men, in which case the satanists are merely pussybeggars.Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved. - Also known perhaps as... Thou shalt not steal? Again, Anton dazzles with his fresh social insights. And note the wide fuckin' loophole tacked onto the end there.Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained. - What the fuck is this, Wicca? Voodoo? Wasn't this supposed to be Objectivism?Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself. - Unless it's this page. Or any criticism of Anton LaVey. That cannot be tolerated.Do not harm little children. - Another visionary position. Hard to believe one man came up with all of these.Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food. - But keeping a lion captive in some shithole in San Francisco rather than a proper habitat is totally fine if it keeps your eccentric, creepy image intact.When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him. - LaVey had to backpedal on this one, explaining that "destroy him" was not a literal exhortation to murder those who offend you. It's a mystery how the confusion initially came about.The Nine Satanic Sins
Yes, LaVeyan Satanism even has sins of its own, and like other religions with sins, its founders and most ardent adherents regularly violate these strictures, sometimes just by existing.
Stupidity - If stupidity and credulosity are sins, then every member of the Church of Satan who believes LaVey authored any of this on his own should be excommunicated immediately.Pretentiousness - It's hard even to address this one; if the glaring contradiction of a religion for "the alien elite" making a sin out of pretension isn't obvious to you, then you've already committed Satanic Sin Number One.Solipsism - Such as when Blanche Barton and the gang begged their nonexistent fanbase for money to recover the Black House, thinking that anyone but them would give a shit about it.Self-deceit - Just keep telling yourself, "Anton LaVey was rich, brilliant, original, and tough!" until it's an article of self-evident truth.Herd Conformity - Yeah, you wouldn't want a church full of assholes who all dress the same and spout the same retarded dogma and try to cultivate identical tough-guy façades.Lack of Perspective - Avoiding this sin is what's allowed Satanism to have a massive impact on society, and prevented it from devolving into endless, pointless bouts of infighting and masturbation.Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies - Satanism's existence depends on the ahistoricity and ignorance of its allegiants; only fools who'd never heard of Hitler and Göring, let alone Rand and Redbeard and Crowley, could possibly find it intellectually fresh or challenging.Counterproductive Pride - Satanists' ability to compromise is what's kept their church from breaking down into a grotesque mess of sects and schisms, OH WAITLack of Aesthetics - Because only a man who fucked this and this and lived here should be trusted to arbitrate aesthetics.Pentagonal Revisionism
Pentagonal revisionism is a meaningless buzzword applied to a five-point plan concocted by Anton LaVey in 1988, after snorting several rails of cocaine off of Aleister Crowley's old writing desk. It is intended, like the rest of Satanism, to sound elite but, like the rest of Satanism, comes out sounding batshit insane.
Stratification - In which LaVey advocates the removal of all safety labels in the hopes that those dumb enough to siphon gas station pumps by mouth or microwave a stapler get what they deserve and, presumably, clean up the gene pool. Also includes handing out plastic bags and loaded handguns to all small children and letting nature take care of the weak.Strict taxation of all churches - This point makes Satanism the undying enemy of Xenu and Rael.No tolerance for religious beliefs secularized and incorporated into law and order issues - In which LaVey complains about "In God We Trust" being written on money and advocates for Charles Manson's immediate release.Development and production of artificial human companions - In which LaVey reveals his love of animu by advocating the use of IRL money to fund the creation of sex slaves with dolljoints and nanomachines. Also indulges God complex usually reserved for Gendo Ikari and Light Yagami.The opportunity for anyone to live within a total environment of their choice, with mandatory adherence to the aesthetic and behavioral standards of same - Apparently Satanism's idea of individuality is the establishment of several million self-contained VR dictatorships. Imagine Nazis on the holodeck, and you get the idea. If you have ever visited a Satanic forum, you already know how this works.Lex Talionis
Better known as An eye for an eye, Lex Talionis is the principle of recompense equal to injury. Satanists use the Latin term because they think it somehow distinguishes it from its almost 4,000 year old Mesopotamian precursor. It holds the distinction of being the oldest single idea stolen and transparently repackaged by Anton LaVey. It is also frequently invoked by LaVeyan internet tough guys in their oaths of vengeance after being successfully trolled.
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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT YANKEE ROSE IS JUST THE NAME OF A CHEESY NIGHTCLUB SONG LAVEY PLAYED AT ONE OF HIS FEW ACTUAL JOBS. IT MEANS FUCKING NOTHING!!!1
LaVeyan Satanism is replete with lists of maxims and catchy bits of dogma, much like another cult that claims to glorify individuality and self-determination but only produces inhuman homogeneity and conformist drones.
The Nine Satanic StatementsSatan represents indulgence instead of abstinence! - Translation: Rape everything.Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams! - It's why they charge $100 to join their church. It's so you know you vitally exist.Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit! - Because slavishly adhering to the dictates set down by a fucking dead guy is the exact opposite of what Christianity espouses.Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates! - So let's abolish welfare, except when Anton LaVey needs it because the membership fees dried up.Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek! - And when they read this page, you'd better believe they will take down ED.Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires! - Holding rituals in which a guy wearing a Nazi outfit drinks a cup of blood off of an altar that is really a naked loli and then tries to summon Zalgo is a generous definition of "responsible."Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development," has become the most vicious animal of all! - Sound ideas. As a personal philosophy, Social Darwinism is time-tested and vindicated by history.Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification! - Finally, a religion where you can drown in guro, lolicon, and shitting dick nipples all day and night without feeling bad about it. Actually, had LaVey ever been to /b/ (or visited Japan) he might have rethought this one.Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years! - Hey, at least the Catholic Church is in business.[1]The Eleven Satanic Rules of the EarthDo not give opinions or advice unless you are asked. - Unless you're Anton LaVey. Then you can fill whole books with them.Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them. - Then someone please explain why there are so many fucking Satanists with LiveJournals.When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there. - This doesn't quite sound so hardcore if you put it the same way your mom did: "If you can't say anything nice..."If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy. - A Satanist will totally defriend, block, and ban you, hide your comments, and flag you as spam. Without mercy.Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal. - A moot point for the majority of Satanists. Since giving the mating signal is itself a sexual advance, this means the only satanists having sex are ignoring rule 5. Unless this rule applies only to men, in which case the satanists are merely pussybeggars.Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved. - Also known perhaps as... Thou shalt not steal? Again, Anton dazzles with his fresh social insights. And note the wide fuckin' loophole tacked onto the end there.Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained. - What the fuck is this, Wicca? Voodoo? Wasn't this supposed to be Objectivism?Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself. - Unless it's this page. Or any criticism of Anton LaVey. That cannot be tolerated.Do not harm little children. - Another visionary position. Hard to believe one man came up with all of these.Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food. - But keeping a lion captive in some shithole in San Francisco rather than a proper habitat is totally fine if it keeps your eccentric, creepy image intact.When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him. - LaVey had to backpedal on this one, explaining that "destroy him" was not a literal exhortation to murder those who offend you. It's a mystery how the confusion initially came about.The Nine Satanic Sins
Yes, LaVeyan Satanism even has sins of its own, and like other religions with sins, its founders and most ardent adherents regularly violate these strictures, sometimes just by existing.
Stupidity - If stupidity and credulosity are sins, then every member of the Church of Satan who believes LaVey authored any of this on his own should be excommunicated immediately.Pretentiousness - It's hard even to address this one; if the glaring contradiction of a religion for "the alien elite" making a sin out of pretension isn't obvious to you, then you've already committed Satanic Sin Number One.Solipsism - Such as when Blanche Barton and the gang begged their nonexistent fanbase for money to recover the Black House, thinking that anyone but them would give a shit about it.Self-deceit - Just keep telling yourself, "Anton LaVey was rich, brilliant, original, and tough!" until it's an article of self-evident truth.Herd Conformity - Yeah, you wouldn't want a church full of assholes who all dress the same and spout the same retarded dogma and try to cultivate identical tough-guy façades.Lack of Perspective - Avoiding this sin is what's allowed Satanism to have a massive impact on society, and prevented it from devolving into endless, pointless bouts of infighting and masturbation.Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies - Satanism's existence depends on the ahistoricity and ignorance of its allegiants; only fools who'd never heard of Hitler and Göring, let alone Rand and Redbeard and Crowley, could possibly find it intellectually fresh or challenging.Counterproductive Pride - Satanists' ability to compromise is what's kept their church from breaking down into a grotesque mess of sects and schisms, OH WAITLack of Aesthetics - Because only a man who fucked this and this and lived here should be trusted to arbitrate aesthetics.Pentagonal Revisionism
Pentagonal revisionism is a meaningless buzzword applied to a five-point plan concocted by Anton LaVey in 1988, after snorting several rails of cocaine off of Aleister Crowley's old writing desk. It is intended, like the rest of Satanism, to sound elite but, like the rest of Satanism, comes out sounding batshit insane.
Stratification - In which LaVey advocates the removal of all safety labels in the hopes that those dumb enough to siphon gas station pumps by mouth or microwave a stapler get what they deserve and, presumably, clean up the gene pool. Also includes handing out plastic bags and loaded handguns to all small children and letting nature take care of the weak.Strict taxation of all churches - This point makes Satanism the undying enemy of Xenu and Rael.No tolerance for religious beliefs secularized and incorporated into law and order issues - In which LaVey complains about "In God We Trust" being written on money and advocates for Charles Manson's immediate release.Development and production of artificial human companions - In which LaVey reveals his love of animu by advocating the use of IRL money to fund the creation of sex slaves with dolljoints and nanomachines. Also indulges God complex usually reserved for Gendo Ikari and Light Yagami.The opportunity for anyone to live within a total environment of their choice, with mandatory adherence to the aesthetic and behavioral standards of same - Apparently Satanism's idea of individuality is the establishment of several million self-contained VR dictatorships. Imagine Nazis on the holodeck, and you get the idea. If you have ever visited a Satanic forum, you already know how this works.Lex Talionis
Better known as An eye for an eye, Lex Talionis is the principle of recompense equal to injury. Satanists use the Latin term because they think it somehow distinguishes it from its almost 4,000 year old Mesopotamian precursor. It holds the distinction of being the oldest single idea stolen and transparently repackaged by Anton LaVey. It is also frequently invoked by LaVeyan internet tough guys in their oaths of vengeance after being successfully trolled.