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We are doing this roast tonight to help system live out one of his sexual fantasies.

A little known fact is that a long time ago system used to work at McDonald’s. It was the last time anyone said about your work, “I’m lovin’ it.”

This is exciting system right?? Well tell your face.

system if laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

It’s nice to see such a diverse crowd here today. We’ve got Bugpeople, Injuns, Kikes, Whites, Niggers, and whatever the fuck system is.

system’s so old and Jewish he attended Shakespeare’s bar mitzvah.

system’s so Jewish his tagline on LinkedIn is: “Once you go Jew, no Christian will do.”

system’s so Jewish and so gay at the synagogue they call him a HeBlew.

system went to Israel for a month to explore his Jewish heritage. he found out a bunch of new things about his culture. For example, did you know his Hebrew name is “Yeecchh.”

system, I heard in Israel everyone spends Shabbat at home with their families? That’s sweet. But man, your mom nags a lot and can be really challenging and annoying. I feel for you. If I had a mother like that I’d have elevated estrogen too.

This is a very Jewish neighborhood you live in system. Even the ATM down the street is Jewish.
When I tried to take out some money, it said, “What did you do with the last $50 I gave you??”

Of course system is the center of attention tonight. Dude you’re like a Jewish rockstar!
What’s your band name: Guns & Noses?

system is a very religious person. he actually models his life after Jesus. And by that I mean he’s a Jew who’s only been nailed three times. And he's only had sex once.

But everyone knows our dear friend system, he‘s like a Jewish rockstar. What band are in, “I Want My Nickelback?”

Listening to system’s speech tonight answers the question: “What if the holocaust was real, but only for the funny Jews?”

By the way where’s my other Jews at?? Oh nice, we’re just two more away from a condo board meeting! Hi Dial! Hi Mikenigger! Hi Granite_Pill!

But geez system you’re getting fatter by the day. You’re like Honey Jew Jew.


system’s so old he owes Jesus a nickel.

system’s so old one of his favorite memories as a child was taking a boat ride with two of every animal.

system’s so old his prostate is almost the size of his womanly need to feel accepted.

system’s so old his blood type is Oh-No.

You’re such an old fossil already…..system is so old, that when he was a kid science fiction was a horseless carriage.

system’s definitely showing his age. Backstage I gave him a joint to alleviate his chronic pain, and he rubbed BenGay in it.

system recently quit his job and now has a lot of free time. (in addition to the $10 in his bank account) he plans on spending his retirement opening a jar.

system’s so old the first porno he watched was a ghost banging some chick named Mary.

system’s so old his balls are starting to look like a tent nobody knows how to fold up.

system is getting so old he has to take an Aspirin before he jerks off.

That last one wasn't even dad-joke funny. I don't care. Fuck you.


You all know system is my first and most longtime friend I have. What you may not know is that he’s also the first and most longtime customer of ProActive Acne Systems.

Good lord this is an ugly group of people. Holy shit, you know the crowd is ugly when we invited system as eye candy.

And system you’re looking pretty rough this evening. system looks like if sweatpants were a person.

Dial getting married to you must’ve been rough. What was your wedding song? “How Much Is That Anime Waifu Furry Blowup Doll In The Window?”

system is so ugly he’s been the only one ever rejected from Queer Eye for the Straight guy.

system is so ugly in October when he went to the haunted house they handed his an application.

system’s psychiatrist said he was crazy and he said he wanted a second opinion. The psychiatrist said “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

system’s nose is so big he Apple had to make a custom iPhone that unlocks using Nose ID.


Holy shit don’t look now but system’s gotten hairy-er since we started this roast!

system lost 30 lbs when he joined Weight Watchers, and lost another 10 lbs when we shaved his labia pubes.

system you’re so hairy you’re making it hard for your parents to choose a wife for you. You look like slumdog million hair.



We all love system but he definitely is one cheap bastard. For example, he loves watching porno in reverse. I asked him why he did that, and he said, “I like the part where the hooker gives the money back.”

Me and system we’re talking. I told him you’re supposed to spend 2 months salary on an engagement ring. system was like, “Dude I’m not gonna spend $20 dollars on no engagement ring!”

system I’m glad you could come today, but will be sad you’re leaving early for your side gig waxing Milo Yiannoppolis' nipples.

system’s so cheap he won’t even pay attention.

system’s so cheap he complains that penny slots are expensive.

system’s so cheap he won’t even tip his hat.

system is SO stingy the ducks throw bread at him.



system is so Bald:
I’d like to thank all of you for coming today, and I’d like to thank system for polishing his head.

I thought we were gathered here today for the Roast of system. But as I look around at all these attendees, this looks more like a support group for balding men.

But in all seriousness, system is a great person. his heart is almost big as his clitoris.

On a more serious note….system, despite all your accomplishments, despite all the businesses you’ve created, despite all the incomes you’ve increased, despite all the people you’ve helped, and despite all the lives you’ve touched…….you’re still going to Hell for being an intergender abomination.

system is very hardworking. The only thing not hard working on system is his hair follicles. And his sperm. That doesn't work at all. Estrogen, y'know.

Hey system I like your haircut. You look like the world’s tallest baby.

system I think it’s really cool you go to the same barber as Sonny Bono.

system looks like the “Unclassifiable” picture that didn't fit into "before" or "after" categories in those Hair Club for Men commercials.


system when are you gonna buy a new outfit??

Everyday you wear the same jeans and same flannel patterned shirt.
You’re like if Rotteuxx learned to program a computer.

The way system dresses looks like the first half of a commercial for antidepressants.

system is actually pretty good looking, but has a boring personality. Good looks but boring personality, you’re like real life clickbait.

system has worn the same outfit for like 10 years. Holy shit….the only person who’s worn the same clothes longer than you is Bart Simpson.

system I’m glad you and your dull personality could be here. I’m excited to hear your speech at the wedding. With your personality, I’m sure your speech will combine the thrill of talking, with the excitement of standing there.

system’s outfit was recently featured on the cover of Yawn Magazine.



Holy crap there’s a lot of Asians here tonight. Our friend group looks like the first set of workers on the Transcontinental Railroad.

system does the worlds hardest job, he’s a police sketch artist in China.

system so Asian he was adopted by Brad and Angelina.

Hey system, did you hear about that Asian guy that won a beauty contest. Yea, me neither.

Hey system, why do Asian girls always have small boobs? “Because only A’s are acceptable!”

But don’t worry about system getting too upset about these Asian jokes, he’ll have time to calm down. If he starts crying and leaves the party, it’ll take him at least 3 hours to back out of the driveway.

But it’s ok even if you do have an unplanned baby. In the Asian culture you’re allowed to abort the fetus until it graduates from medical school.

system looks like he was adopted by Brad and Angelina.

system I dunno where you’re from, but I’m assuming your parents met on a raft.

::Points at system::
It’s nice to see the president of the Ching Chong Mahjong Committee here this evening.


system is Jewish white MY credit score just went up 80 points.

system is really an American Dream come true. I’m so happy to finally see a middle aged Jewish person get an opportunity.

And let’s welcome system today, or as the Germans call him: Stalin’s Wet Dream.

Hey system I’m looking around and there is not a lot of diversity here. We’re just one more Jewish guy away from a Hollywood Feature Film.


But system you’re really looking good nowadays. What system has lost in weight, he has also GAINED in weight.

But system you’ve definitely been packing on the pounds. The last time system went to the dry cleaners they said, “We don’t do curtains.”

system I checked your Facebook, and it turns out that not only do you ACTUALLY HAVE A FACEBOOK, you used to be a bit chubby. I’m impressed that you’ve managed to lose so much weight. That’s right, system lost 30 pounds on Nutrisystem, and another 10 when he popped all that backne.

Backstage before this speech I had to get Dial to whip his dick out. Because that was the only way we could get system on to the stage.

system so fat and lazy the only exercise he gets is when his Restless Leg Syndrome starts flaring up.

Your family told me they regret they couldn’t’ be here tonight, but they did send 4 bags of grain.

system you look like if the fat kid from Stranger Things wished he was big.


The church didn’t accept system’s gay lifestyle. So he started his own religion: The Church of Latter Day Taints. It’s like a normal church, except you’re happy when the priest fucks you.

Me and system are really good friends but we’ve had our ups and downs, one time system actually tried to sue me for $10,000. I got really defensive and was like “You’re suing me for $10,000?? Fuck you…you can suck my dick.” and system was like, “well OK if you want to settle out of court.”

Me and system are good friends and we hangout a lot. And some people have even suspected we were gay or something. But that’s not true. We like hanging out and discussing manly guy stuff. Like one time I asked him, “system, tell me about your first blowjob, what was it like?” And he said “oh man, it tasted awful.”

When I heard that system finally came out of the closet I wasn’t really surprised….dude you’re so gay MY ass hurts.

I once asked system why he dresses so flamboyantly and he got upset and hit me with his purse.

I’m having a pretty good time at this roast, but I’m really disappointed with this venue…..I was hoping we could have dinner at a location with a lot more space….like system’s asshole.

system – I’m glad you got taken off of the party planning committee, if it were up to you, we’d all be watching showtunes, male strippers, or those two fruitcakes with the white tiger.



Actually the last time me and system hung out it ended kind of weird. We were gonna smoke weed together. I asked if he had papers, and he just ran off.


Hey system, why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?
Because she’s a woman.

Hey system, why do Japanese people have such squinty eyes? Because atomic bombs are hella bright.

I wanna everyone for coming to this roast. My one complaint is next time that we have dinner in some place much larger, like system’s pussy.