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By all means, try and salvage your relationship. It sounds like you and the missus need to see a marriage counselor.

Wow. it is really rare that a couple can keep going for so long with such different work cycles. the two of you must be some kind of patience-angels...

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Three young children, and a wife who enjoys going on vacation with her "buddie".

I don't know your financial condition, but I would talk to the kids and see what kind of vacation/ outing that you and the kids would really enjoy that you can afford.

From there, try and make it a full family affair, and see if she is trying to bail on that?

Regardless, you take the kids on the outing / vacation, and if she does come, then by then you should be able to see if you can maybe do something "special for her", or if you need to dump her in the river, lose her in the forest ... , obviously the last part is my own jaded sarcasm.

Good luck either way, I hope the best for you.

She doesn't love you. She won't love you anymore either. I'm not sure about that she is not cheating. All women want sex and you seem not to be that part of the fantasy(or whatever fetish). I'm pretty sure her social circle is applying social pressure to change her views. I know women who were traditionalists before and after they get into "women only" meetings/parties/etc, they tend to start drifting into husband-bashing competition, hence, changing the worldview completely into "leftism". It's more like self-destruction, but women don't see it.
I could go on, but it's pointless. You don't have balls to do hard decisions, cause you are cucked by your daughters and your wife knows it. She will use the leverage more and more until you will find out she was cheating and she will accuse you of cheating and file a divorce and then you will pay everything.
I thought about this more
Yeah she is cheating. You will be blamed for this.

What a position to be in - I feel for you mate. I think you are right to prioritise your children by staying in the marriage. The research is clear that this is likely to be better for your kids in the long run. That doesn't mean you cannot do anything. I think you should start doing short vaccations with kids. Give her plenty of notice so she cannot get annoyed and go regardless. Doesn't have to cost loads. With her maybe just act as though everything is good between you. It may just work to reduce the tension. That is acting like a wall atm I think. Just be cheerful, ask her about her day, be really upbeat but not overly needy. Try to manage your non-verbals and have fun with the kids. Let her know what she will be missing.

You only have 2 options: embrace the roommate dichotomy to stay under the same roof as your daughter's. OR prepare for divorce.

Either way start lifting. Start valueing your time, and time with your daughters. Ignore your 'wife' until she starts asking to be part of your new activities. If she never does, who cares, at least you live with your daughters.

cold facts.

she does not love you as much as you love her.
from what i've read. she sounds unfaithful.

my advice. Divorce her (if she's been unfaithful), else, i'd say fight for the relationship. how? no idea. :D

we're here for ya faggot

Honestly, her old "friend" is 100% jewing her. Twisting her thoughts, likely encouraging her to cheat(if she hadn't already) and no doubting calling you names 'muh nazi' etc. Woman do this, you need to be careful with your woman's friends.

You need to take a break on your own and see how she reacts, take one with just your kids and are how she reacts. If she's angry when you go on your own, she's cheating and will think the same of you, if she doesn't care Bout you and the kids on a break, shes checked out of the marriage.

You will sadly need to plan for the worse. Move money safely out of the Jew banks, make an alt coin account and invest or bury it somewhere. maybe even record some conversations so you get at least some time with the kids. The courts will do their best to fuck you, you need to be ready.

I know it'll be hard, but your kids come before your marriage and you need to get your head ready, if she gets them, they'll end up ruined.

My advice: "better the devil you know than the one you don't".

Lagavulin "Lagavulin has a high reputation both at home and abroad; as a single whisky its reputation is unique..." [Voat Library Service]

Just wondering what's the demographic of the female friends she has been hanging out with? I'd expect a gathering of married mothers to be pretty wholesome, though I can see how she'd become subverted if she has been around the company of single women.

You’re too nice to her, stop being so unnecessarily nice. Women like when men take charge.

The kids are getting older. She works full time. She isn't necessary.

Being politically left is all about making believe "other" people you don't know need you to speak and vote for them. Everyone wants to be needed. Being wanted doesn't hit the human button.

"This was NEVER a problem for me. I just wanted her to be happy." It should have been a problem for you and your kids. You need a wife and they need a mother. Spoiling her and putting her happiness above everyone else's in the family was a mistake and helped make her more unnecessary.

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Alright brosef, there's a couple things to touch on here, in no particular order.

1) You guys have different 'work schedules' this is not conducive to having time available to spend with your wife. Relationships/marriage are a choice that you must make every single day if you want it to work. You (and her) have to choose to keep the spark alive, you have to choose to be affectionate and physical with her, you have to choose her and she has to choose you. You cannot spend time doing those things with her if you have totally different schedules. Get on her same schedule, she probably won't like it at first because your relationship is at the wall-- but you MUST change things around if you want this to work out. Get on her schedule and treat her like you guys are just starting dating. Flirt with her, be spontaneous, etc/ you know the drill. Do not let the current stagnant environment of routine continue, because it's affecting your relationship and her health (mentally/physically), she's put on weight because she's stalled out in her head about herself and her marriage. Which means she's probably got some degree of depression. But do not tell her or speak to her about being depressed. DO NOT MENTION IT ONE FUCKING MINUTE. NEVER. Just recognize it and act accordingly, spice things up for her. If you say anything about it, she'll instantly take it as an opportunity to re-evaluate her entire life AND YOUR MARRIAGE. You do not want this, so don't say shit about it. You just provide the rope by ending the relationship/life stagnation, and she'll pull herself out of the well.

2) She may not be cheating on you, but she's at least LOOKED, no woman goes more than a month without sex with her man without LOOKING at other men and strongly considering it. Coupled with this point, if you are overweight at all, lose it and get in better shape. In her mind, you are always competing with other men for her, even when you're married. So keep her eyes on you.

3) You are the man, you are the head of the household. YOU DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS. Including whether the marriage survives or not. Women have no concept of personal accountability. So it's all on you, your own actions will generate the result, good or bad. (As long as she's not openly hateful/disrespectful to you, you're not too far down the ladder yet... but if she is hateful or disrespectful to you then you're in trouble and the first thing you need to do is nip that in the bud before you can proceed with the rest. Be extremely firm with her that she will not talk to you that way, if she's at that point-- don't back down)

I cannot make this anymore clear. She is your wife, like all women, she wants leadership, guidance, and encouragement from her man. You are the red ranger, you have to lead the team. Passively handing the baton to her to 'do what she wants or simply inviting her' (all/most the time) makes you a weak leader in her mind, which then makes her not receptive to anything you say. Tell her that you guys are going on a date, tell her that you're going to do things together. Do not invite her and wait for her response a week later, like you're a wimpy highschooler inviting some girl out of your league to the prom. Tell her you guys are doing 'X', you're going to eat at 'X' when you're out, you're going to 'X' place, etc. You don't have to brow beat her, just be firm. If she absolutely refuses (which would be muy grande bad imo), take one of your daughters out and make sure she has a good time so she can influence your wife.

Your daughters all see how you interact with your wife. No women like passive/"i'll get to it later-type" men. NONE. You are literally playing a role, ie: being a Man with a capital M-- and a husband to your wife. If the 'audience' (your daughters) see your change in behavior and like the change, it will have an impact on your wife and what she thinks about you. Women are way more susceptible to social pressure than men, especially via a 3rd party. If one of your daughters boasts about or praises you when they're around your wife, that will have an impact on your wife's thinking. Think of your daughters as your little marionettes/minions who will do your dirty work when you're not around. Don't obviously bribe them, but cultivating their opinions is important. Think of it like gardening. The more highly they think of you-- the more highly your wife will think of you. How you interact with your wife will impact them, how you interact with them will impact your wife, how they interact (about you) when you're not around will impact both of them. So cultivate your garden.

If you want a family outing, then sit your family down and tell them what you're doing. You don't need to do anything extravagant like going to Disney (waste of money IMO) but take them to the nearest national park/state forest/whatever, have a picnic/play horseshoes/darts/hike/walk the trail/whatever, just get out there. You can allow them to have input-- so they can feel they contributed (even better if you have them convinced that your idea was their idea and you used it), but in the end-- you make the decision because you have the penis. Family time should be a regular thing, even if you're not going out of the house-- you NEED to have family time-- everyone together-- even if they bitch and moan at first.

Your wife may not be receptive to physical intimacy (push you away or complain/make excuses) depending on how far the relationship has fallen (especially any intimacy in front of the kids). I've found that humor/making women laugh about something is a good way to set the scale back to neutral (temporarily-- which will be less temporary as the relationship improves) and will allow you a window to get physical. Obviously start small (if you go too big to fast she'll cut you off) with something affectionate to gauge her response so you can tell what you're starting with. (neck kisses, hugging her from behind/grabbing both of her hands and holding them if she's at the kitchen counter/etc.-- once you find out where you're at you can proceed to slowly escalate over time until sex and flirty intimacy is back to a regular level (tri-weekly/3 times a week minimum).

This woman is your wife, YOURS, does SHE FEEL like she belongs to you based on how you act? If no, then you're fucking it up, change what you're doing. Is she excited to ride your PP? If no, then you're fucking it up, change what you're doing. Are your daughters impressed with the way you're managing the family? If no, then you're fucking it up, change what you're doing.

You decide the results you're going to get, so act accordingly. If you want it (the relationship), get it.

4)Women around other women (especially married ones around single ones) are susceptible to extremely cancerous thoughts. You kind of fucked up quite a bit by allowing your wife to travel alone with a friend who is a 'travel agent'. If this travel agent is single, then she is an absolute tumor on the mind of your wife who is guaranteed to actively poison the well of your wifes mind-- making shit way harder for you and damaging your relationship with your wife.

Travel implies singledom, sex, adventure, etc, etc, etc. These are things that a married woman with children SHOULD NOT BE DOING WITHOUT HER HUSBAND. Because allowing her to do it without her husband takes her focus off the relationship with you, which is bad for the relationship. You guys are a unit, you function as a unit, not independent people who are co-habiting. So start functioning as a fucking unit. If you are the king banana, she is your 2nd-in-command, the 2nd-in-command does not operate totally independently from the captain-- otherwise they'd be the fucking captain themselves.

You fucked yourself a little bit (a lot) here, because you can't slam the door shut on her friendship with this other woman now. If they're not meeting up on a weekly basis, as least you can relax that they're probably not fucking each other. But guaranteed this other woman is injecting her (esp. cancerous political ones if she's single) ideas into your wife, who is totally receptive to them because she's not following your lead anymore because your current behavior is bad. If your behavior is correct, your wife would be jumping your dick all the time and asking about the next time she could fire an M249 SAW off and wouldn't be paying any attention to anything this other woman is telling her.

Since you can't slam the door shut on her friendship with this other woman (since you let it open in the first place). Then you need to leave the door open and completely draw your wife's attention to you so that she doesn't have time or want to spend time with this other woman. Because you are currently competing for your wifes attention and approval with her fucking friend. If you do this right, that relationship will fade out mostly (thank god) and your wife will want to spend time with you as much as possible-- and when you do do something-- you'll actually fucking do it together.

Additionally, cut the ideological cancer into the household as well. You can have internet, but if you have cable--- rip the damn cords out of the damn walls. Your focus from now on is not on lazy ass leisure activities like 'watching television' or allowing your family to have their minds poisoned by complete strangers. But on managing yourself and your family. You want to watch a movie together during family time? Sure. But no more TV, no more outsiders and outside opinions being blasted at your family while they sit and soak it all up. Make sure your daughters have real hobbies/sports/whatever, anything that isn't tv and internet social media. Your wifes attention should be on you and the family, her hobbies can include a social factor, but not things like traveling alone with a female friend so they can ogle all the exotic dick together (wtf were you thinking).

Your kingdom is in disarray, you don't need to go full Henry the 8th (hated) and behead anyone, but you do need to be Richard the Lionhearted (praised and respected) and get your shit together and clean up your damn kingdom. You need to hold onto that mentality, act like it.

Hate to be crass, but if your PP is not regularly inside your wife within a few weeks/a month-- at most, you're still fucking it up and your relationship is way worse than you thought-- so you need to bring your fucking A-game to fix it. Don't wait until tomorrow-- do it right now.

Additionally, no more drinking and feeling sorry for yourself. No one gives a fuck what 2nd glass you're on of any swill if you don't have your shit together (ie: managing yourself and your family properly). So get on it, you can do it.

I've seen guys recover their relationships with literal divorce papers on the table and successfully cultivate their marriage back into a happy one. You aren't that far yet-- so you can fucking do it too.

You are married to your wife, not your children.

I know the idea that hurts the most is not being able to see your children in the middle of the night, tuck them in and all and not being around as much as you can. But you can still be a good parent and divorced.

Dont let those "Breed her more white children" NAZIs get into to you. Get serious.

This is about everyone's well being, including yourselves.

What you clearly said, is that she does not find the time for you.

However...she finds time to travel, leave on weekends, even go on 5-6 day vacations without you.

You know better, but do not underestimate the power of denial.

If you feel like you drifted apart from your end too, aint no reason beating on a dead horse.let her be happy so that you can be happy to, with other people.

As long as you trust her enough, not to fuck off faw away with the children. You need to be close. But I dont believe she wants that either. Since you are helping too much.

Do both of you a favor and set her free.

Those cheesy couples that claim that "its been 20 years and I love you more every day" are real. And everyone deserves this.

If you do love her, I dont know...you know better how to push the right buttons.

Im not someone to ask. Mainly because I expect humanity to be better than what it is. If what I say sounds good I hope I helped. Otherwise stick with common sense.

Im not too good at getting my thoughts across but I would say you dont need to agree on things outside of the house or share the same interests. What matters is if the two of you love each other.

Part of that is being grateful for being in others lives every day and being willing to get over yourselves to genuinely express it. People who care about each other dont just give up but thats a two person street.

At this point it sounds like rebuilding an entire relationship with a person. No good way about it. Keep in mind they likely feel the same as you.

Love involves placing the other person first in my naive opinion. Give your family the love and attention it deserves. Small things each day if nothing else. When you can do so as a group with your wife doing the same. Share that. Raise your kids to do the same for the family.

Be a good father. Not everything turns out as people want but you can make the best of things and do what you can for a better future. Then for better or worse you know you have done your part.

Is social media screwing with her mind?

The vacations and the social views are coming from social validation she gets on social media ... I'm guessing.

Is forcing physical intimacy an option? Women seem to like a take charge guy

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Don't take this wrong, OP, but since all we can know is your take on the situation it's impossible to give you meaningful advice on the relationship. We can only give you advice for you.

And that advice is that since you have clearly grown apart and she is not willing to working on re-kindling the relationship then you should consider separating. Staying together for the kids is never the correct choice and based on your description the kids are all that you have in common.

The stigma of divorce should not be a deciding factor here; If she's prepared to work on the relationship then you would have some common ground and goodwill to start from, and then it's possible the counselling would be of value as well. But if she's got her own life that does not involve you then I'm sorry to say it but your time in the sun is over, man. Grieve for what you once had but then get on with your life by taking control of your life.

Talk to a lawyer and get some good advice before you do anything. A lot of grief and expense will be avoided by this. Otherwise I can guarantee you are going to do things that will later come back and bite you in the ass.

I'm sorry for your situation, but it is what it is.

FWIW my parents divorced and I was glad when it happened. They were clearly so unhappy together that it was a relief. That doesn't mean there wasn't a lot of family drama yadda yadda -- because there was, and it was not fun -- but afterwards they were both much better off. My point being that you don't know how it's going to affect your kids so don't make any assumptions.

After reading this reply

https://www.voat.xyz/viewpost.php?postid=608e420689385&commentid=608e903c27477

I'd say try that first, but then if it still doesn't work:

Actions speak louder than words. She's selfish and uncaring yet holds you to a higher standard to consider her when planning vacations? She's been flipped and there's almost no chance of ever returning. How do you know she was faithful on those trips? Based on the limited info you gave, I'd say she was introduced to a "free" life of instant self serving gratification, and she's no longer interested in playing family anymore.

If you want to cut through the bullshit and get the ugly truth...

Snoop her phone (and I mean deep, go through every contact and verify it, search her browsing history, google searches, etc.), her Facebook (and messenger), her emails, internet history (take note if she deleted it), search her car (and I mean toss it like a jail cell), go through her purse & bank statements. Search her dresser drawers, closets, any part of her life that touches the house & car. Look at receipts, credit cards you weren't aware of, spare keys you don't recognize, business cards - verify who they are & what their business actually is. Check for any flash drives or SD cards, verify the contents. Digital camera? Use an Undelete program to verify its been used honestly.

Marriage means no secrets. Be prepared though, the truth is never as pretty as you'd hoped. You can't just tolerate it because you don't want to repeat history. If she's cheating, it's done - there is no recovery. Staying together past that point will be worse on your kids than staying together. If she's cheating, she's already planned an exit strategy, and you don't get to find out until her backup plan is in place, and she sticks you with child support, alimony, and weekend only visitation. She will protect this plan by any means necessary. The trick is to find out without letting her know you know, or were even looking.

So that brings you to YOUR exit plan. A lot of people here have suggested planning vacations with your daughters, and they're right. Build and maintain that bond. Even if it's just day trips to wherever, build those adventures and memories with you, take pictures, print & frame them. This is vital.

Then, there's protecting your assets. Compare your income with hers. If you make more than her, you'd be better off getting a different job making less than her. Squirrel some money away somewhere and build up a safety net. In court, what matters is income. Bills don't matter, cheating doesn't matter. If you're making less than her (in most places) she'd be paying you child support. Utilize whatever support from your family you can get. In court, do what you can to get full custody of the kids. Tell her you will make a compromise by giving her the house. If she gets the house, she gets to pay the mortgage. The burden will then be off of you, and you can shop around for something more fitting of your new situation.

Unless by the odd chance she ISN'T cheating, in which you can disregard all that. But if she is, that's what you can expect.

Therapy.

BTW, if she watches TV, like Rachael Madcow or CNN, ask tell her that show offends you and ask that she not watch it. Then keep it off but if she wants to watch the news make sure that it's "your turn" and flip it to Tucker.

One time my wife started hanging around with a cunt who's views I didn't approve of. The girlfriends would go out for morning runs and have coffee and social afterwards. I pointed out some of the cunts glaring faults to my wife - that was all. In short oorder, all of the runners had left the cunt outside their circle.

Your wife is a cheating whore. Deal with it and stay with your daughters and keep all of your money or lose a bunch of money to lawyers, lose money to child support (because that bitch will get your kids) and let her have free reign to turn you kids against you while you aren’t around. Those are your choices. I’d stay with the bitch as long as you can be cordial while in the same house. Much cheaper and your daughters will be better off for it. She will still destroy them but you can mitigate it because you are there more.

Yes, your wife has had other dick in her since you’ve been married. Understand this. Because you haven’t been an alpha male she went on to find more alpha dick. That’s how it works these days and because she will get all the cash and prizes in divorce she sees no reason not to get on that dick. It happened to me, bro. I divorced because mine is particularly evil. Seriously, she is truly an evil woman. Best I can hope for is she gets the jab and that handles my problems for me so I can save my kid.

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Move towards a low sugar/carb diet. It will reduce weight gain and is better for overall health. Exercise will accelerate the process.

For political issues you aren't the first with this predicament. Better to focus on individual issues. Tackle each issue with logical thinking and rationality. You may be able to come to an understanding on some political issues you thought were black and white.

The kids are paramount. It's always best to try and find a way to make it work. However you may need to make some sacrifices if you go down this route.

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everytime she goes on her solo vacation you take the kids out even if on to the park (tbh kids will like that better than most)
Also its this female friend who is putting ideas in her head guaranteed,Unless she stops seeing her Can only see one outcome im afraid
GL

Working nights means you are not there to bond and influence her. She is soaking up the opinions of others and not of you.

A few people have said to go on trips with the kids and I think that's a good idea. Present it to her not as "I'm taking the kids away" but as "it's summer and the kids want to do something fun so we're going to X in June." Make it somewhere cheap so she can't fake balk at the price.

Are you within a few hours of any coastline? The beach is about a cheap a vacation as you can get. Get an airbnb. I know the company is faggoty but getting a whole house for around the same cost as a hotel (in my experience, it's actually cheaper) is pretty cool and a lot of beach rentals will include free use of beach chairs, boogie boards, etc. Spend a few days in the sun and eating fresh seafood at night. Ride free ferries and feed the seagulls. Take lots of pictures and make lots of memories. Essentially gas and lodging are your only real expenses.

It doesn't have to be the beach, obviously. Any vacation can be cheap.

If she makes time to go, that's great.. being on a light-hearted vacation may be what you need to release some of the tension. If she refuses to go, then fine. Go make wonderful memories with your daughters. Do call your wife often whole you're away though so she doesn't feel forgotten and so she knows she is missed. When you get back, make sure you have a lot of inside jokes about that trip that you continue to laugh about. Let your wife see that she missed out on a really good time. Others have pointed out that it's important for your daughters to speak highly of you. This will help! We don't want to make your wife feel bad by any means, but you want her to say yes next time.

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I had to create an account for this post. I see great suffering in your future if you do not set your life right. This woman will destroy you. She will use your children to eviscerate your soul. Her first priority , along with her (((lawyer))) will be to establish blame on you in the eyes of your daughters. You will be the bad man. Who thinks like a bad man - ie your politics, religious beliefs, bigotry, sexism, racism, etc.

She will use you as an example to indoctrinate your children into the cult of the Children of the Lie. And in turning them away from their father it will turn them also away from God. They will refuse to follow strong men and as a result will suffer.

If it has gone this far there may be no way back. Start leading by example. Spend the next couple of months not bitching, or whining, and no matter how tired you are do not let it show. Be a tank. Make plans and follow through , if your wife lags behind, let her.

Your wife is giving you hell because she is in hell. It is up to you to be a strong man in order to drag her out of her hell. And bring her back into order, into light, which for a woman is to follow a strong man,, give up selfish desires, and to focus on the family.

I know it sounds cliche but you know in your heart what you should do, do that.

Don't rely on anyone else here to tell you what's right or wrong for you or your relationship.

If it's over, it's over. People generally have a pretty good instinct when this is the case, don't be one of those who waits years and years and years in misery.

If you still love her and there's hope than you fight like hell to fix it.

Some people like to virtue signal and say that everything can be fixed, that's not real life.

Your marriage pretty much done, i guess you got married young?....your situation is no different than about 95% of marriages out there when kids are involved, you do whats best for the kids though they are your top priority until they are old enough to fend on their own, and if things havent changed by then, or if she makes her own decision before then (cheats, walks out), you can then make your move, either stay or leave.

If she's gained that much weight she's not having sex with anyone else. If she was finding romance elsewhere she'd be taking care of herself physically and you would notice moments of exuberance in her life that you can't explain. There would be more running around. Rest easy on this point.

Some women really do just lose all interest in sex once they've had kids. Sex really becomes overrated once you get older...40's etc. Some really do get stressed with work and homelife, etc.

My wife and I have been roommates for years and we have sex maybe once every 15 months. I too come from a broken home and that's not something I can do to my child. We are friends, but yes there are those moments of tension. We've had discussions where she has said it is all over, etc. I noticed that she responds well when I've explained to her what will happen next: that she'll have our child half the time or less, that I'll go for full custody, that she won't be a mom, the child will have a new half mom and dad instead of the mom dad now, etc. Which is to say that the first long comment by Xantha is correct about everything...most women can be rehabilitated if you be more of the alpha you need to be. I've tried it out myself and its like watering a desert...they need that man in their life. It's a pain in the ass a bit...because it's like...why can't you just be happy with the infinite value of our family and household, etc. But women seem to need this emotional leadership from a man...a man to lead them in entertainment.

I would say, listen to Xantha. I understand your situation fully. I haven't had more than a few minutes of sex in the past 8 years. BFD. Other people get raped and tortured by kikes. Living without sex to have a beautiful child is worth it. You have 3! That's awesome. But if you become more alpha the shit eating will stop.

"Suddenly has left wing opinions."

"Has friend who takes her on free vacations."

"No action in the bedroom."

Dude,she's fucking someone else. Probably several. Most likely including her friend.

Think about it. Her friend comes into her humdrum life and takes her on amazing vacations she could never afford and opens her eyes to all kinds of new and exciting experiences. Suddenly,she realizes how she was "following the man's rules" and "it was sucking the life out of her" and "she knows what freedom is now and she's never going back".

That divorce is coming. Get a lawyer. If love for you and the kids could've stopped her,she wouldn't have taken those vacations. Certainly not alone.

How long after your wife got back in touch with her travel agent buddy did everything go sour. I hate to say it, but many times when women start hanging out with an old girl friend and leave town for days that they are going out to cheat. Her concern for looks when you tell her she looks fine indicates that she doesn't care how you feel about how she looks; she wants other people to think she looks good.

This may not be the case, but don't dismiss it at impossible.

This sounds similar to my eventual divorce 15 years ago. Do yourself a favor and prepare for it. I didn't because I had it in my heart to fix things and recover. Setup another bank account and start saving money. Go see an attorney. I hope I'm wrong friend but you need to prep for if it happens because you will be blindsided.