After what I think has been a very rocky first year of marriage, my husband finally got through to me and I've discovered what he figured out awhile ago... I'm quite bossy.
Now, he has his own demons and I know he's been working very hard on them, so I know it's in both of our best interests for me to fix my problems too.
Enter "The Surrendered Wife". I googled "how to be less bossy" and "how to be less controlling" and this book came up. I read it in two days and I love it. I'm just starting out trying the methods and was curious if anyone else had read it or would be open to reading it and discussing it here.
The biggest revelation for me has been that almost everything I'm saying that I think is "helpful" is really just communicating to him I don't trust his abilities. Additionally, if I really want to have a traditional marriage (and not be constantly stressed out) I need to give up doing the household finances - this hasn't been broached yet because I also know he doesn't really want to do them, so I'm waiting for a good moment to explain that I can't do it anymore and I need his help.
Anyway, thanks for listening to this and I would welcome any productive thoughts!
Money isn't actually a problem for us at all. We both work and earn well. The problem comes from me having all the veto power when it comes to spending. The book taught me that my controlling nature originates from fear that if I'm not in charge, things won't be done correctly (which is often how I feel). The result is a husband that can't spoil me with gifts (the way most wives would like - not in a greedy way though) or make major money-related decisions because I know better about what can/can't be spent. I also don't think he's as motivated to make more money (he has his own business and the money that comes in is directly related to effort put in) because he doesn't really see the positive impact he has financially with me paying all the bills and choosing what to save/spend.
I want to let go of this responsibility because I think it would be better for both of us. Even if he screws things up, I know we aren't going to lose our house or go bankrupt - he's a very hard worker, even if he's not as organized as I am. It would also force me to trust in him more. And for him I think he'd see the impact of his work better and be able to give me the money I need to buy groceries, gas, clothes, etc. without issue. I think he'd be more excited to get out and work (which he really does love to do) and take care of his wife the way every man wants to, when they're in a happy marriage.
sharkbait 0 points 3.7 years ago
Money isn't actually a problem for us at all. We both work and earn well. The problem comes from me having all the veto power when it comes to spending. The book taught me that my controlling nature originates from fear that if I'm not in charge, things won't be done correctly (which is often how I feel). The result is a husband that can't spoil me with gifts (the way most wives would like - not in a greedy way though) or make major money-related decisions because I know better about what can/can't be spent. I also don't think he's as motivated to make more money (he has his own business and the money that comes in is directly related to effort put in) because he doesn't really see the positive impact he has financially with me paying all the bills and choosing what to save/spend.
I want to let go of this responsibility because I think it would be better for both of us. Even if he screws things up, I know we aren't going to lose our house or go bankrupt - he's a very hard worker, even if he's not as organized as I am. It would also force me to trust in him more. And for him I think he'd see the impact of his work better and be able to give me the money I need to buy groceries, gas, clothes, etc. without issue. I think he'd be more excited to get out and work (which he really does love to do) and take care of his wife the way every man wants to, when they're in a happy marriage.
Does that make sense?