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Alright, so I gotta take random piss tests every week for probation, and randomly random for the other shit I gotta do. As of today I have taken six in the past 15 days, two of them were today.

So my number came up at probation and I went to deposit my urine sample, only one problem. When I get to probation office I also have to take a shit. Now, when you give a sample for probation there's a few rules; urinal only, don't flush. Usually no sweat, but today my bladder was on strike until my colon got to play too.

So I'm in the bathroom, at the urinal, trying like hell to squeeze out enough piss for a sample, but it wasn't happening. I started to get nervous standing there, you really aren't allowed to take all day doing this. After a couple minutes I'm all worked up, worried about violating, now starting to sweat. P.O. is like, no worries. Chill out and calm down for a few minutes and try again.

Attempt #2: trying again to force a piss out and I came dangerously close to just shitting my britches. I go tell P.O. what's up and she allows me to use the stall just in case. Well good God damn thing, cause as I finally turn on the golden shower I get chocolate rain. One big meaty turd about the size of a goofball, and she's a floater. Now remember, I'm still not allowed to flush. So I clean up a little, and go give my P.O. the fuckin piss. I try to tell her, "Hey just so you know..." and she interrupts and says "Yeah, I know. The bathroom is dirty". I silently agree with her and it's time to go. Just one more thing, she's gotta check the bathroom to make sure I didn't leave any contraband and flush the toilets. Let me tell ya, friends, by the look on her face I'd say she wasn't impressed.

TL;DR? Went to give a urine sample and left a stool sample.

Don't drink and drive, folks. That shit is embarrassing.